Biden Unveils Recovery Plan to Keep Improv Theaters Closed

Biden Unveils Recovery Plan to Keep Improv Theaters Closed

Sometimes building back better means building back never, and that’s exactly what the Biden Administration decided to do with the country’s improv theaters. Given a once in a generation opportunity to rethink the role of “zip zap zop” in society, the new Administration has taken radical, decisive action on a new path forward.

Here Is Our Branded Trans Day Of Visibility Post

Here Is Our Branded Trans Day Of Visibility Post

Today is trans visibility day. Here’s our branded trans day of visibility post. Our PR team has proofed this 600 times. Every executive in our company is clenching their asshole in anticipation of this going up today.

Lesbian Backs Into Parking Spot For No Apparent Reason

Lesbian Backs Into Parking Spot For No Apparent Reason

Leslie Middleton, driver of a sage green 2011 Subaru Forrester Limited Edition, was running her usual Saturday morning errands and stopped at the farm and garden supercenter to purchase more chalk to line the local softball field. As she pulled into the Northgate Shopping Plaza, Middleton was in luck—a spot opened up two rows left of center and three spots back. Amongst straight people, this is known as “rock star parking.”

Transgender Student Athlete Excited To Represent School That Treats Her Like Shit

Transgender Student Athlete Excited To Represent School That Treats Her Like Shit

Lakewood High School junior Abigail Snodie is set to return to the varsity girls’ soccer team next season after recent efforts to bar transgender students from competing in amateur sports failed.

Disney’s First Lesbian Princess Will Also Be the First Gopher Princess

Disney’s First Lesbian Princess Will Also Be the First Gopher Princess

Disney is making strides with representation, and whacking two moles with one swing…or should we say, two gophers! Their latest animated adventure, Annabelle and the Gopher Princess, features not only the first lesbian princess, but also the first rodent royalty—and they are one and the same.

Incoming! Another Text From Cis Friend Who Read ‘Detransition, Baby’ And Just Wants To Tell You That!

Incoming! Another Text From Cis Friend Who Read ‘Detransition, Baby’ And Just Wants To Tell You That!

Brrrriing! What’s that? Another smiley-emoji-filled text from a distant cishet friend who read Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters. Your freshman year dorm-mate Kelly Konley has been proudly and publicly reading the book on the train for weeks now, and finally finished it! In honor of the occasion, she decided to text you, a trans person, who she hasn’t talked to in years. You have not read the book, but Kelly wants you to know that she? Has!

Study Finds Cishet Men Understand What ‘Lesbian’ Means Until You Tell Them You Are One

Study Finds Cishet Men Understand What ‘Lesbian’ Means Until You Tell Them You Are One

A new study has found that most men (85%) understand what “lesbian” means, but that even more men (98%) don’t understand what it means that you are one. This discovery has prompted important questions among leading social scientists, such as: how did this chasm in understanding develop? How can we close the gap? And how difficult can this possibly be in the first place?

Asians Check In On White Friends To Avoid More Hate Crimes Caused By Bad Days

Asians Check In On White Friends To Avoid More Hate Crimes Caused By Bad Days

In a difficult and tragic week, the nation was reminded that white people experiencing any sort of hardship results in the needless murder of people of color. Following another horrific mass shooting and subsequent social media campaigns, Asians across the country checked in on their white friends to make sure they were doing okay.

Studio Wins Bidding War For Rights To Ossoff/Buttigieg Porn Parody

Studio Wins Bidding War For Rights To Ossoff/Buttigieg Porn Parody

Porn studio Men.com announced that it had won the competitive bidding war for a multi-picture deal to create a series of porn parodies based on Senator Ossoff from Georgia and President Biden’s new Secretary of Transportation.

The three picture deal will trace the exploits of the pair through their sexual exploits in Washington D.C. Sources close to the deal say that this could also lay the groundwork for a Neo-Liberal Pornographic Universe.

Guy Who ‘Doesn’t Feel A Connection With You’ Feels Connection With Someone Else

Guy Who ‘Doesn’t Feel A Connection With You’ Feels Connection With Someone Else

Two weeks went by without a word after Geoff Underbrandt, a 30 year-old New York man, went on a Tinder date with Kyle, a freelance fitness consultant. Evidence on Instagram shows that Kyle is now dating someone else because he didn’t feel a connection and didn’t see this going anywhere.

News

Lists

Speaking Out

I’m Not Pansexual, I Am Pan-sexual, I’m In Love With A Half Goat Half Man

I am proud to be able to come out and say, “hello world, I am Pan-sexual. I am in love with the half-goat, half-man of Greek lore, Pan.” For years, I called myself Bisexual, but that wasn’t really it. Yes, he is both, a man and a goat, but he’s also a god… so that’s more than two things.

Straight Brother Hotter

In a season of tragedy comes another disaster: Robert Wilson’s brother Lyle, a heterosexual, is hotter than his gay brother. Robert, a single, mid-twenties programmer who really wants to find someone he can be dedicated to began posting videos from his parents’ home during quarantine. The saccharine content included family breakfasts, “costume competitions”, and the perpetually shirtless Lyle, who flexes literally every time he notices the camera on him.

Speaking Out: The New Amateur Pornstar You Should Subscribe To Is Me, Your Fourth Grade Best Friend

Look, let me cut to the chase – I know you have a big heavy boner for me. I’m not shaming you for that, in fact, I find it heartwarming that you crave after my penis the way you used to crave that rectangle pizza we ate every Friday in the cafeteria.

Sexy Pics You’re Still Allowed To Send Even If You’re Technically In A Monogamous Relationship

Oops! You drank 4 gin and tonics on an empty stomach and got a little trigger happy in your Instagram DMs. Which of the several photos and videos you sent to exes, a handful of people you’ve slept with, and…woof, your old manager from Lululemon, are incriminating? Thankfully, not as many as you think.

Speaking Out: JoJo Siwa Might Be Gay, But My Child’s Rainbow JoJo Siwa Bedding Is Straight!

When the JoJo Siwa rainbow bedding enters your home, it becomes YOUR property. If your home is a blessed, heterosexual one? Then your property is a heterosexual. And JoJo has no control over your lawfully owned property. 

Awf Topics

Remembering Straight Pride Month

Straight Cisgender White Man Guaranteed Presidential Election Win

Straight Cisgender White Man Guaranteed Presidential Election Win

“We have elected many different white men to be President, but never before have we dwindled down such a diverse group of ambitious and qualified candidates down to one single straight white male candidate to face another straight white male candidate from the opposing party,” said Tom Perez, the chair of the Democratic National Committee.

Straights, Closeted For The First Time, Finally Create Great Art

Straights, Closeted For The First Time, Finally Create Great Art

Reports poured in across the country of straight people, having endured months of social isolation, abruptly producing spectacular masterworks of fine art.

Straight America Discovers Bidet

Straight America Discovers Bidet

In a movement akin to when white gays invented voguing, straight America has fallen tush-over-toes for the bidet as their go-to toilet paper alternative.

Ally Meetup Held In Space Between Two Queer People Talking

Ally Meetup Held In Space Between Two Queer People Talking

A gathering of straight allies dedicated to supporting the LGBTQ+ community recently took place between two queer people who were having a conversation. Maya Berman and Jessica Anello were reportedly chatting about oat milk at their local cafe when fifteen straights in rainbow regalia crammed between them and began their meeting.

How Straight Pride Forgot Its Radical Roots

How Straight Pride Forgot Its Radical Roots

The Straight Pride Parade, which drew several dozen participants from the comments section of a

BREAKING: These Straight Pride Marchers Are Single, Ladies!

BREAKING: These Straight Pride Marchers Are Single, Ladies!

BOSTON, MA— Shockwaves rebounded throughout the heterosexual community today when the public learned that most

Trucks!

Trucks!

VROOOM vrooom vrooom vroom VRRRROOM!!!!!!!!!

3 Outrageous Pregnancy Scares For Your Straight Pride Pre-Game

3 Outrageous Pregnancy Scares For Your Straight Pride Pre-Game

We’re straight! We’re great! And our periods are frighteningly late!  Are you glowing with straight pride,