Nation’s Fraternities Struggle To Make Virtual Hazing Homoerotic Enough

Nation’s Fraternities Struggle To Make Virtual Hazing Homoerotic Enough

This fall, as universities across the country are struggling to recreate an authentic remote campus

Guy On Grindr Carefully Gauging How Serious You Are About ‘This Whole Pandemic Thing’

Guy On Grindr Carefully Gauging How Serious You Are About ‘This Whole Pandemic Thing’

An unknown person with the Grindr name “Mask4Mask” and a profile picture of a black N95 mask worn as a jock strap messaged retail visual merchandiser Ian Simons of Hells Kitchen at 1:36 AM Tuesday morning. The conversation started off nondescript, but before long, it became clear to Mr. Simons that the anonymous user was trying to hook up then and there.

Progress! Guy Hitting On Two Women At Bar Slowly Getting It

Progress! Guy Hitting On Two Women At Bar Slowly Getting It

A man trying to flirt with two women he saw together at The Rub Down Bar is slowly starting to piece the scenario together, confirmed an amused bartender.

Speaking Out: Don’t Pity Fuck Your Black Friend, Donate To Them

Speaking Out: Don’t Pity Fuck Your Black Friend, Donate To Them

After a meeting held by every Black person you know, we have come to the conclusion that your Facebook posts and kicky hashtags are not enough for you to hit us up wondering what we are up to in ten minutes. We get it – you see us being unfairly treated in a world built against us and for some reason you believe your head game will blow all our troubles away.

Supportive Parents Of Gay Teen Asked To Tone It Down A Bit

Supportive Parents Of Gay Teen Asked To Tone It Down A Bit

When 18-year-old James Potkin sat his devout Catholic parents down to have his coming out conversation, he was nervous about how they’d respond. Little did he know Deborah and Grant would be the most supportive parents he could’ve asked for…and he’s over it.

Accolades Pour in for Dad Who Successfully Pronounced Daughter-in-Law’s Name

Accolades Pour in for Dad Who Successfully Pronounced Daughter-in-Law’s Name

A local dad is receiving effusive praise from his family for reaching a goal many thought impossible: successfully saying his daughter in law’s name correctly. Ray Szymkowiak, 64, is a world-renowned nuclear engineer by day and, with this accomplishment, a hero by night.

Woman Disowns Sun For Being Gay

Woman Disowns Sun For Being Gay

Local auditor Noreen Greene is disowning her Kansas City Sun for being gay. Last Monday, after chowing down on some Chik-Fil-A, burning a rainbow flag, and donating to 4 different conversion therapy organizations, Greene looked up at the sky, shielded her eyes, and screamed: too much! I’ve had enough!

Quiz: RuPaul’s Drag Race Queen or Yankee Candle Scent?

Quiz: RuPaul’s Drag Race Queen or Yankee Candle Scent?

Have you ever looked around at an extended family gathering and noticed there was no gay cousin to be accounted for? You just might be the gay cousin!

DIVERSITY WIN: TV Show To Introduce No-Nonsense-Lady Character They Hope You’ll Assume Is Lesbian

DIVERSITY WIN: TV Show To Introduce No-Nonsense-Lady Character They Hope You’ll Assume Is Lesbian

During a panel last Thursday, the team behind the hit FOX series Tree House announced plans to make the show more diverse this season by introducing a no-nonsense lady character who they hope you’ll assume is a lesbian.

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Speaking Out

Speaking Out: Don’t Pity Fuck Your Black Friend, Donate To Them

After a meeting held by every Black person you know, we have come to the conclusion that your Facebook posts and kicky hashtags are not enough for you to hit us up wondering what we are up to in ten minutes. We get it – you see us being unfairly treated in a world built against us and for some reason you believe your head game will blow all our troubles away.

If We Get Rid Of The Cops, Who Is Going To Do Nothing About My Stalker?

There has been a lot of talk this year about abolishing the police. But if we defund the police, what happens when you really need them most?

I, The Haunted Doll In Your Childhood Bedroom, Know All Your Gay Secrets

Are you there, Sappho? It’s me, Agnes, the haunted Victorian doll that’s been living in your childhood bedroom rent free since you were four.

We, The Nation’s Institutions, Are Shocked To Learn Who’s Responsible For Institutionalized Racism

We, the nation’s arts, education, and nonprofit institutions condemn the racism in our police and prison industrial complex. But it has come to our attention that we are responsible for perpetuating white supremacy too.

‘Love Simon’ Taught Me All Two Ways To Be A Black Queer Man

Move over “Noah’s Arc,” “The Skinny,” “Moonlight,” and literally nothing else. You’ve got some competition! In the hit gay movie “Love, Simon,” I learned all two ways to be a black queer man.

Awf Topics

Remembering Straight Pride Month

Straights, Closeted For The First Time, Finally Create Great Art

Straights, Closeted For The First Time, Finally Create Great Art

Reports poured in across the country of straight people, having endured months of social isolation, abruptly producing spectacular masterworks of fine art.

Straight America Discovers Bidet

Straight America Discovers Bidet

In a movement akin to when white gays invented voguing, straight America has fallen tush-over-toes for the bidet as their go-to toilet paper alternative.

Ally Meetup Held In Space Between Two Queer People Talking

Ally Meetup Held In Space Between Two Queer People Talking

A gathering of straight allies dedicated to supporting the LGBTQ+ community recently took place between two queer people who were having a conversation. Maya Berman and Jessica Anello were reportedly chatting about oat milk at their local cafe when fifteen straights in rainbow regalia crammed between them and began their meeting.

How Straight Pride Forgot Its Radical Roots

How Straight Pride Forgot Its Radical Roots

The Straight Pride Parade, which drew several dozen participants from the comments section of a

BREAKING: These Straight Pride Marchers Are Single, Ladies!

BREAKING: These Straight Pride Marchers Are Single, Ladies!

BOSTON, MA— Shockwaves rebounded throughout the heterosexual community today when the public learned that most

Trucks!

Trucks!

VROOOM vrooom vrooom vroom VRRRROOM!!!!!!!!!

3 Outrageous Pregnancy Scares For Your Straight Pride Pre-Game

3 Outrageous Pregnancy Scares For Your Straight Pride Pre-Game

We’re straight! We’re great! And our periods are frighteningly late!  Are you glowing with straight pride,

Straight Pride Parade Announces Float To Honor Catcalling

Straight Pride Parade Announces Float To Honor Catcalling

Hey! Hey you reading this! Nice tits! Leadership confirmed that this float will feature prominent members