Netflix announced its new ‘skip accountability’ feature this week, which allows company executives to skirt blame and fast-forward through culpability– all with the simple click of a button! Netflix has been testing this feature for several months now and is proud to be showcasing it on such a large scale in the wake of the new Chappelle comedy special.
In addition to politics, this fucker is apparently an expert on topics such as personal finance, craft beer, Keynesian economics, directors of world cinema, the collapse of the housing market, cryptocurrency, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, most sports, the healthcare industry, and feminism.
Nintendo’s beloved console, the Nintendo Switch, has been met with controversy since its release in 2017. The system was named for its ability to switch between handheld and TV mode based on whatever the user was in the mood for that night. However, while the console is capable of performing in different positions, it reportedly prefers Nintendo Bottoming more.
Emergency Room workers at Mount Sinai Hospital reached a routine diagnosis of dehydration after running labs for Brian Thomas, a 27 year old Social Media Manager. Thomas checked himself into the ER earlier that day claiming he had come down with a severe case of “spiraling”. While he claimed that he was feeling intense symptoms of “can’t even,” labs concluded Brian was clearly just dehydrated.
The Soho-based gallery MVMNT shocked the art world today with their new exhibition of the work of Maisy Sims. The exhibition centers around the piece, Queer Life (2021), a paneled tryptic still life. The piece now finds itself in the middle of a controversy; it doesn’t have a single boob, butt, or any balls on it.
Fresh off his success in “Schitt’s Creek,” “Happiest Season,” and his year as a darling of late night appearances and social media stardom, Dan Levy has announced that for his next project the actor plans to just shut up for a little while.
Pornhub has announced a new category to draw in new viewers to the streaming mega-site — devoted viewers can find the new category labeled “Longing Glances.” While most people wouldn’t consider two people looking at each other from afar for 30 seconds porn, Pornhub aims to change that. The site has realized that for too long, it has overlooked a key demographic, women, queers, and people who are just a little too into period pieces. The site hopes that the new category can bring these users into the world of Pornhub.
Yas Queen or Dry Clean? Not unlike the nation, local gay bar patrons found themselves utterly divided on whether Liza Minelli had made a surprise appearance, or if it was just a heaping pile of fabulous coats. Frenzied gays reportedly yelled “slay!” at the motionless coat pile for several minutes, assuming Ms. Minelli was merely holding a dramatic pose. Volvika Cran, a bartender working the infamous Liza shift, maintains Ms. Minelli was not present.
At approximately 11:23PM EDT last night, local mother Tina Rogers received a text from her youngest child, 22-year-old Rose, reading: “what time was I born?” Unbeknownst to Rogers, Rose needed the data to get a more accurate astrological birth chart in an attempt to bed a bisexual woman.
This week, one local lesbian, Winona Young, was happy to report that she had not thought about “The L Word: Generation Q” for at least ten months. According to Young, “this has been one of the hardest years of my life, but I still feel so lucky that I was able to live as if ‘The L Word’ cinematic universe was never expanded.”
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When Marlon McKee and Theo Jenkins matched on the popular dating app, Grindr, the two men had only one thought going through their minds: “Yeah, I guess.” McKee and Jenkins met last Thursday when both signed into the service in search of intimate company.
I am proud to be able to come out and say, “hello world, I am Pan-sexual. I am in love with the half-goat, half-man of Greek lore, Pan.” For years, I called myself Bisexual, but that wasn’t really it. Yes, he is both, a man and a goat, but he’s also a god… so that’s more than two things.
In a season of tragedy comes another disaster: Robert Wilson’s brother Lyle, a heterosexual, is hotter than his gay brother. Robert, a single, mid-twenties programmer who really wants to find someone he can be dedicated to began posting videos from his parents’ home during quarantine. The saccharine content included family breakfasts, “costume competitions”, and the perpetually shirtless Lyle, who flexes literally every time he notices the camera on him.
Look, let me cut to the chase – I know you have a big heavy boner for me. I’m not shaming you for that, in fact, I find it heartwarming that you crave after my penis the way you used to crave that rectangle pizza we ate every Friday in the cafeteria.
Oops! You drank 4 gin and tonics on an empty stomach and got a little trigger happy in your Instagram DMs. Which of the several photos and videos you sent to exes, a handful of people you’ve slept with, and…woof, your old manager from Lululemon, are incriminating? Thankfully, not as many as you think.
