6 Things To Watch This Fall That Are Just As Homophobic As Football

6 Things To Watch This Fall That Are Just As Homophobic As Football

For sports fans, football is as synonymous with the fall season as the leaves changing, pumpkin spice lattes, and the sound of children playing Smear The Queer in the school yard on the first day back from summer break. Us die-hards can never get enough of it and any day that passes without a game feels hollow and wasted. That’s why we came up with a list of content that has all the action, drama, and engrained homophobia we know and love about football that you can watch while waiting for your next fix of the best damn sport on the planet.

‘It’s Crazy That All Lesbian Movies Are About The Closet,’ Murmurs Closeted Lesbian

‘It’s Crazy That All Lesbian Movies Are About The Closet,’ Murmurs Closeted Lesbian

Lesbians across the country are once again disappointed that the newest sapphic film to hit screens revolves around the main character being stuck in the closet.

Hallmark Offered to Produce Lesbian Holiday Movie If Lesbian Characters Quickly Killed Off

Hallmark Offered to Produce Lesbian Holiday Movie If Lesbian Characters Quickly Killed Off

Hulu made history this week when it released “Happiest Season,” a lesbian Christmas movie starring queer icon Kristen Stewart and directed by Clea Duvall. But in a recent press release, The Hallmark Channel announced that it had actually been set to produce the watershed film – provided that the lesbian characters both died early in the plot.

How To Come Out Over Zoom To Ruin This Thanksgiving

How To Come Out Over Zoom To Ruin This Thanksgiving

If you are anything like me, you have been waiting all year to come out at the right time, just as the turkey hits the table. However, you might be thinking, “but how can I do it this year? since May I have been living in my mom’s guest room.” Well don’t worry, you still can, with only a couple of small tweaks, you can turn a Zoom Thanksgiving into a fight about why “it’s not a choice, Uncle Stew” as quickly as you can in person.

Fist Fucking Top Volunteers To Clean And Stuff The Turkey

Fist Fucking Top Volunteers To Clean And Stuff The Turkey

Local doting mother Barbara Ann has always cleaned and stuffed her Thanksgiving turkeys but this year she was granted a much deserved reprieve when her son’s older boyfriend, Rick, volunteered to do the dirty work.

Leaks Reveal Lube Bottle Slippery

Leaks Reveal Lube Bottle Slippery

The Police Chief Mark Williams revealed that the cause of the fire was a slippery lube bottle shared by long term partners Amir K. and Orlando S.

New Genre Of Gay Porn Features Police Officers Quitting Their Jobs

New Genre Of Gay Porn Features Police Officers Quitting Their Jobs

According to international data, videos falling under the gay porn genre ‘Cops Quitting Their Jobs’ have seen a massive upswing in 2020.

Breaking: Girlfriend Bringing Jacket

Breaking: Girlfriend Bringing Jacket

This just in: it is chilly outside, and Sophie Hanson’s girlfriend, Kim, will in a shocking turn of events be bringing a size small jean jacket from the Gap. Sophie told reporters that she was on the edge of her seat in anticipation to find out the final jacket verdict for their neighborhood walk this afternoon.

Gay Man Accidentally Shows His Screenplay During Jerk Off Video

Gay Man Accidentally Shows His Screenplay During Jerk Off Video

Popular online performer Billy Wright came under fire for allowing his screenplay to show up in the background of his recent video titled “Work Day Jerk Off 3”.

Cis Man Finally “Gets” Gender Spectrum After Comparison To XBox Models

Cis Man Finally “Gets” Gender Spectrum After Comparison To XBox Models

Area man Shane Smith announced he understands that gender is a construct after reviewing Microsoft’s naming convention for X-Box Models. Prompted by his embarrassment after mis-modeling the new X-Box, calling it an X-Box One X when he meant X-Box Series X, Shane reflected on why he was embarrassed for calling a gaming console by the wrong model despite repeatedly calling his co-worker by the wrong gender.

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Speaking Out

Shh! The Pride Party Still Happened, We Just Didn’t Want Steve There

Today, Austin Bickal and the “Boys Who Brunch” announced via their alt Twitter accounts that all Pride events planned for this summer were in fact reinstated and relocated to the basement of that one Hamburger Mary’s.

Speaking Out: Don’t Pity Fuck Your Black Friend, Donate To Them

After a meeting held by every Black person you know, we have come to the conclusion that your Facebook posts and kicky hashtags are not enough for you to hit us up wondering what we are up to in ten minutes. We get it – you see us being unfairly treated in a world built against us and for some reason you believe your head game will blow all our troubles away.

If We Get Rid Of The Cops, Who Is Going To Do Nothing About My Stalker?

There has been a lot of talk this year about abolishing the police. But if we defund the police, what happens when you really need them most?

I, The Haunted Doll In Your Childhood Bedroom, Know All Your Gay Secrets

Are you there, Sappho? It’s me, Agnes, the haunted Victorian doll that’s been living in your childhood bedroom rent free since you were four.

We, The Nation’s Institutions, Are Shocked To Learn Who’s Responsible For Institutionalized Racism

We, the nation’s arts, education, and nonprofit institutions condemn the racism in our police and prison industrial complex. But it has come to our attention that we are responsible for perpetuating white supremacy too.

Awf Topics

Remembering Straight Pride Month

Straight Cisgender White Man Guaranteed Presidential Election Win

Straight Cisgender White Man Guaranteed Presidential Election Win

“We have elected many different white men to be President, but never before have we dwindled down such a diverse group of ambitious and qualified candidates down to one single straight white male candidate to face another straight white male candidate from the opposing party,” said Tom Perez, the chair of the Democratic National Committee.

Straights, Closeted For The First Time, Finally Create Great Art

Straights, Closeted For The First Time, Finally Create Great Art

Reports poured in across the country of straight people, having endured months of social isolation, abruptly producing spectacular masterworks of fine art.

Straight America Discovers Bidet

Straight America Discovers Bidet

In a movement akin to when white gays invented voguing, straight America has fallen tush-over-toes for the bidet as their go-to toilet paper alternative.

Ally Meetup Held In Space Between Two Queer People Talking

Ally Meetup Held In Space Between Two Queer People Talking

A gathering of straight allies dedicated to supporting the LGBTQ+ community recently took place between two queer people who were having a conversation. Maya Berman and Jessica Anello were reportedly chatting about oat milk at their local cafe when fifteen straights in rainbow regalia crammed between them and began their meeting.

How Straight Pride Forgot Its Radical Roots

How Straight Pride Forgot Its Radical Roots

The Straight Pride Parade, which drew several dozen participants from the comments section of a

BREAKING: These Straight Pride Marchers Are Single, Ladies!

BREAKING: These Straight Pride Marchers Are Single, Ladies!

BOSTON, MA— Shockwaves rebounded throughout the heterosexual community today when the public learned that most

Trucks!

Trucks!

VROOOM vrooom vrooom vroom VRRRROOM!!!!!!!!!

3 Outrageous Pregnancy Scares For Your Straight Pride Pre-Game

3 Outrageous Pregnancy Scares For Your Straight Pride Pre-Game

We’re straight! We’re great! And our periods are frighteningly late!  Are you glowing with straight pride,