Oh, You’re a Lesbian? Name Six UTI’s From The L Word

The prerequisite to being a lesbian is binging The L Word, but REAL lesbians take it a step farther, by spotting UTI’s on the horizon from all the outrageous sex positions featured. Identifying Shane’s rib tattoos is a walk in the park for simple twinks, but ultimate rug munchers can sniff out urinary tract infections from A-Z in the show, the simple where, when’s, and how’s of Jennys rising yeast infection.

From catching bread in the tennis locker room to slinging philly cheese puss between Dana and Alice’s strap, the UTI’s from the L Word are vast and large, cumulating from ridiculous sex, lesbian drama, and toy swapping Tuesdays. If you’re a real carpet nibbler, you’ll easily identify all six UTI’s from The L Word.


1. Shane, No Matter When Or Where

This is textbook knowledge. If you’re a lesbian, you already know UTI’s originate with Shane, no matter when or where. Half the allure of Shane is catching one of the legendary UTI’s she spread while fucking three generations of women from the same family. That’s how you make the lesbian hall of fame, baby.

2. The Planet Bathroom

What they don’t tell you at the beginning of every The L Word episode is how many UTI’s are swapped like collectors items in the Planet Bathroom. In season four, they had to install a lock on the door because at one point, the entire Los Angeles lesbian population was swarming with enlarged, spicy, clitori. Pretty brave in retrospect.

3. The Tennis Locker Room

Uh, the sexual tension of the tennis locker room takes us all back to those repressed days of horny high school. Little known historical fact, but the scene where Lara fingers Dana in the country club was actually the conception of the first UTI. Still today, the oldest lesbians among us pass whispers through generations of where they were when bacteria was rapidly spreading through Dana’s little hoo-ha.

4. Getting Fingered On Jodi Lerner’s Pottery Wheel

Bette’s biggest mistake wasn’t cheating on Tina, it was getting four pounds of mud cake up her mud cake. Real lesbians know Bette’s drama was nothing compared to the nasty UTI which stayed with her for four months following an erotic fingerbang session in Jodi’s studio. Deceit and despair mean nothing in the eyes of burning piss.

5. Nails And Rings And Other Shit

Do you see the amount of jewelry they wear in The L Word? I mean come on, Shane’s dog tags could stock the U.S. Army on its own. Also, can we talk about the mid-season episode in season four that definitely happened? Where everyone just tossed pennies into Alice’s vagina for Christmas?

If you thought her head popping out a sun roof getting finger blasted in the last season was unbelievable, get a load of this random plot the writers decided to throw in! What were they thinking, that they could write a scene playing ol’ Rusty Hog Slogger and NOT walk away with someone catching a UTI?

6. The Episode Where Everyone Gets a Urinary Tract Infection From The Communal UTI Pool

Of course, the ultimate UTI developed after everyone ignored Jenny drowning herself in Bette’s pool. After weeks spent lying in her own slop, Jenny’s decomposing body begins developing a UTI, which then passes on to Bette and Tina after falling into the pool. Weird they didn’t notice Jenny until one of the inner circle contracted the deceased’s disease, but what are you going to do? That’s just the L.A. dating scene.


Well, there you have it: six of the many UTI’s in The L Word. Of course, REAL lesbians, gold star or not, know the most about The L Word UTI’s, but that’s only reserved for the upper echelon of gays. Bathe yourself of compulsive heteronormativity and re-watch the series to test if you’re truly gay enough to spot all UTI’s.

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