When Emily Hampton agreed to carpool back to her hometown for the holidays with roommate Alex Tucke, she had no idea they would spend the trip listening to the saddest ten-hour playlist ever committed to mp3.
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“You know I’ve always liked her, but I just think it’s kind of nice that she isn’t wearing all those flashy costumes anymore,” local mom Trish MacGibbon reports. “Now it’s just about the singing.”
Every year, all the heteros REALLY want for Christmas is for Mariah to sing that one fucking song. Mimi, welcome back into the arms of those who truly love understand you, the elusive chanteuse, the skinniest legend.
Following the release of Swift’s highly popular LGBT anthem, a recent nationwide poll found that a sudden rise in anti-gay sentiment specifically from your’s truly.
“Us onion rings have to fight so hard to barely see ourselves represented in media, and even then it’s as the exotic alternative to French fries. That is why we are joining forces with sweet potato fries, fried pickles, and even cole slaw to demand better visibility! Taylor Swift should be more responsible with her platform!”