Lab Results Determine Man Self-Diagnosed As ‘Spiraling’ Is Just Dehydrated

NEW YORK, NY— Emergency Room workers at Mount Sinai Hospital reached a routine diagnosis of dehydration after running labs for Brian Thomas, a 27 year old Social Media Manager. Thomas checked himself into the ER earlier that day claiming he had come down with a severe case of “spiraling”. While he claimed that he was feeling intense symptoms of “can’t even,” labs concluded Brian was clearly just dehydrated. 


Hospital intake forms show that friends of the young gay patient reported that he had also been “chaotic on main.” When nurses asked if Thomas had done anything about this thirst, his friends showed them a tweet that was just a photo of his single bare nipple. The ER nurses noted in his chart that, despite excellent lighting, the nipple was very dry and chapped. 


Blood work confirmed that the only fluids in Thomas’ system from the previous 72 hours were from one Sugar Free Redbull and the condensation from a gay sauna. Unfortunately, Thomas was unable to make the connection between his crumbling mental state and his severe dehydration. When asked if he had sought any sort of hydration the previous 3 days, he could only shake his head and say “I did a thing.” 


As part of his self-diagnosed “spiraling,” Thomas asked doctors for a prescription for “serotonin”.  Hesitant to prescribe antidepressants for dehydration, doctors asked if Thomas would instead be willing to sleep for 8 consecutive hours and then attempt a diet containing vitamins and minerals. Thomas refused the treatment and instead showed medical staff his Instagram stories which included a series of outdated #FreeBritney meme reposts. 


Despite the severe state Brian Thomas is in, doctors are hopeful a new treatment inspired by William Gibson’s “The Miracle Worker” will turn the 27 year old’s condition around. At the time of reporting, ER nurses had begun running water through Thomas’s lips while screaming “WATER BRIAN! WATER! W-A-T-E-R!” in the hopes he will recognize and drink the fluid.

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