My Parents Accepted My Coming Out and Now I Can’t Go On Ellen

Coming out is never easy, but it’s extra super hard when you are expecting to be rejected live on Facebook, catapulting yourself into viral liberal stardom – only to have your parents completely accept you. I had used a tear stick and packed my bags, only to be met by hugs and accolades by my traitorous parents. Thanks to them, my clip won’t get seen by Ellen and she won’t invite me on her show. Instead some other queer sob story whose sob story is actually “real” will be holding sloths with Ellen. “Being gay isn’t a sin, but sloth sure is!” I practiced this joke for WEEKS. 


Of course it would hurt to have my parents disown me for being gay! But knowing that it was an unlikely scenario, as I came out in a fairly privileged position, I fantasized about being kicked to the curb. And at the curb, there would be stardom! I don’t want to glamorize the struggles some of my LGBTQIA+ peers have been through, but I do want to glamorize going on Ellen. After all, Ellen set the standard when she came out as gay and suffered no repercussions, immediately voicing Dory and dancing with hot celebs. I came out and yet have no voice over deals and no hot celeb dance partners. Instead I just have unconditional love from my lame parents. 


I was fully prepared to go on the show and tell my story of rejection and self acceptance, winning the hearts of progressive minded people everywhere. More importantly, I was hoping to be seen by corporations looking for a paid pawn to appeal to these progressive minded people. “TD Bank accepts me, so you should accept them into your checking account!” See? I would have been great at being what they call in the biz “gay for pay”. 


My so-called progressive parents think I should go to “college” and “work hard” to make a living just because that’s what they do.  It’s just like the time they accepted my coming out because they themselves are a gay couple. Sure, they’ve been married for 30 years and have the love and support of our community. But they’re not famous! I refuse to find a suitable, loving partner and live in an accepting liberal enclave just because I can. It’s not my dream! 


Do I really want to be a part of the media phenomenon of parading tragic queer narratives for views? YES.  Being gay is hot right now and I‘m gonna profit from this trend. If a sitcom wants a funny actor? A million people could be that role. The funny gay? Only thousands can do that. I may not be an actor or funny, but what I lack in talent I make up for in being gay. 


I just think I deserve a retweet from Billy Eichner because I too, am a gay screaming. In my case I’m not screaming for love, acceptance, or for people on the street to answer my pop culture questions, because I have all those things. I’m screaming for fame and attention, because that’s what coming out is about.

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