While counter-quarantine movements begin bubbling up across the nation, conspiracy theorists who blame the proliferation of COVID-19 on 5G phone signals are adopting vigilantism by destroying cell towers in their communities. However, it has not been without the critique of those who really know what’s up: astrology gays.
“I don’t know how people can believe cell towers caused the pandemic when it was obviously Mercury in retrograde,” posits self-employed moods curator Daniel Parsons. “Has the world gone insane?”
Gay astrology aficionados are standing with the cold, hard fact that a cell tower sending signals from miles away cannot interfere with a healthy immune system, but the constellations can.
“I mean, I believe in some nonsense, but at least I’m self-aware about it,” said Co-Star user Keith Dollard. “I think it’s because I’m a Virgo. And while it isn’t a precise science, I’d be willing to bet my next unemployment check that one nurse who stood in the crosswalk to counter-protest those dumbasses in Colorado is a Virgo too. Maybe Aries moon.”
Unfortunately, in the midst of quarantine hoarding, books about astrology have become scarce, with numerology manuals in short supply as well.
