At approximately 11:23PM EDT last night, local mother Tina Rogers received a text from her youngest child, 22-year-old Rose, reading: “what time was I born?” Unbeknownst to Rogers, Rose needed the data to get a more accurate astrological birth chart in an attempt to bed a bisexual woman.
Whether it’s climate change, reproductive rights, or public health, we’ve let greedy politicians ignore the recommendations of the scientific community for far too long. That’s why I, an absolute Leo, Cancer Rising (Virgo Moon) firmly believe we need a president who believes in science.
“I don’t know how people can believe cell towers caused the pandemic when it was obviously Mercury in retrograde,” posits self-employed moods curator Daniel Parsons. “Has the world gone insane?”