All The Macramé I’ve Made While I Wasn’t Getting Fucked During The Pandemic

Macramé is a type of textile created by knotting fibers such as cotton, linen, or hemp that’s believed to have originated with the ancient Babylonians and Assyrians. The resulting pieces can be used as decoration in any home and the process is a great hobby to escape the stresses of a pandemic. It’s also keeping me distracted from the fact that—like a good citizen who cares about the well-being of others—I haven’t been fucked in six months.

Considering all the high quality beef that can dick me down at a moment’s notice and supreme lack of care my neighbors have shown, I’d say macramé is pretty powerful. So, to encourage others to take up this hobby instead of engaging in risky behavior, I’d like to share the gorgeous pieces I’ve created while our country ignores the advice of the world’s most celebrated immunologists.


Banner Wall Hanger

This lovely and elegant piece features an all-over pattern design ending in a V shape with a tassel in the center. I made it with white cotton rope, a pine dowel, and tied it together with a wool string strap. It’s a versatile piece—like myself—and can be displayed in any room that needs some quality hand-crafted decorations. I like to look at it when I get Grindr notifications to remind myself that good things come to those who wait and that my hole will still be there to get thrashed when this is over.


Lamp Shade

The textured quality of this shade is a welcome touch to any interior. I had a really fun time making this piece. Not as much fun as I would‘ve had getting railed by my hot, 6’3” “fun buddy,” but at least I know I’m doing my part in not spreading a disease that ravages populations of people that I care about. Grandpa didn’t survive Normandy to be killed by me delivering groceries because I couldn’t go a few months without being bred like the little trollop I am. Plus, when I turn the light on it casts a fun design on the wall.


Decorative Panel

I wove this piece from sustainably sourced cotton yarn to add detail to the wall in my living room. At least I think I did. I blacked out for a few days and this was the end result. I was trying to make a holder for my vibrator that’s been paying for itself lately, but then I saw videos of Fire Island while I sit in this studio apartment only going out once a day to make sure the voices in my head don’t take over. I came to with an itch three inches inside of me that only a good dick can scratch and this beauty had made itself at home.


So Many Pot Hangers

I’ve adopted a lot of plants during the lockdown and these natural look, rust-resistant pot hangers are perfect for my new babies. They’re designed to be hanged from a hook on the ceiling or against a wall, a position I can appreciate. Sometimes, my horny neighbor who’s still taking loads will shake my walls so hard that they sway a little bit. Last week, I dropped one of these off at his doorstep and he’s been quietly sobbing, “I guess this fills a different hole in me,” ever since. He also wears his mask over his nose when he goes out now. Progress!


Literally A Sex Swing

This piece required 200 yards of cord, power tools, and enough time for my asshole to go from the size of a Sacajawea dollar to a dime. I love it, though. For now, I use it to sit at my window and yell at the people on my street acting like the last six months didn’t happen. My next project is weaving a matching harness and chaps so that, once social distancing guidelines are lifted, I’ll be getting stretched out in a full-on macramé dungeon.


So those are the beautiful and functional pieces I’ve added to my life simply by not engaging in dangerous behaviors known to spread the coronavirus. If you’ve been looking for a way to occupy your time or have been engaging in those behaviors and finally realized that you’re a selfish asshole, I can’t recommend making macramé enough. Also, someone please tell my live-in boyfriend that just because we opened up our relationship in March doesn’t mean he’s not obligated to give me that pipe anymore.

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