Mail-in ballots in crucial battleground states announced that they didn’t arrive by Election Day because they were at a drag brunch and lost track of time. “We meant to be here so we could help relieve the nation’s stress, but we were having such a good time knocking back bellinis and judging lip sync battles that we got sidetracked,” noted a ballot in Nevada’s Clark County.
“We have elected many different white men to be President, but never before have we dwindled down such a diverse group of ambitious and qualified candidates down to one single straight white male candidate to face another straight white male candidate from the opposing party,” said Tom Perez, the chair of the Democratic National Committee.
To make matters worse, remaining in the closet leaves the door open to depression, low self esteem, and potentially becoming a beloved Republican Senator for multiple terms in the United States Senate. Indeed, it seems impossible for any openly gay person to win in South Carolina, a fact not lost on Adam Miller, a newly gay 18 year old resident of Greenville.
Whether it’s climate change, reproductive rights, or public health, we’ve let greedy politicians ignore the recommendations of the scientific community for far too long. That’s why I, an absolute Leo, Cancer Rising (Virgo Moon) firmly believe we need a president who believes in science.
Authorities were relieved, but not exactly stunned, if you know what we mean, to find missing 8-year-old Carlson Phillips lingering by the men’s briefs rack in the Lackawanna County Target on Tuesday evening.