White Gay Teen Comes Out To Avoid Being Elected Senator of South Carolina

GREENVILLE, SC— A survey of gay teens in the state finds an unusually high number of queer South Carolinians fear facing discrimination or even violence if they come out to friends, family, or co-workers. To make matters worse, remaining in the closet leaves the door open to depression, low self esteem, and potentially becoming a beloved Republican Senator for multiple terms in the United States Senate. Indeed, it seems impossible for any openly gay person to win in South Carolina, a fact not lost on Adam Miller, a newly gay 18 year old resident of Greenville. 


“There’s very little chance that I’ll win,” said Miller from his freshman dorm room. “The only way to guarantee that I won’t win is to come out and live as a proud gay man.”


This week, Miller reportedly came out in a TikTok video due to the real and plausible fear that he could win the election if he continued watching RuPaul’s Drag Race on mute in his parent’s basement. The twenty second video was directed at South Carolina voters who might have believed that he genuinely enjoyed wrestling as a sport in high school even though he just wanted to wear a singlet and shower in the locker room.


All eyes are on the increasingly close senatorial race between Senator Lindsey Graham and Jaime Harrison. Both candidates, neither openly gay, have spent more than $180 million to guarantee a win for their party in the highly competitive election. Political analysts point out that while Miller was not eligible to be a Senator before coming out because he does not meet the age requirement, they agree that now he may never fear being elected in South Carolina for the rest of his life.


“South Carolina voters lean towards conservative values. Lindsey Graham and Jaime Harrison are very different candidates, but they are not openly gay, so either one could win,” said Professor Luther Van Sasse at the University of Charleston. “My advice for any young gay people with dreams of being a Senator from South Carolina would be to bury those feelings deep down inside you until forget who you are.”


Miller’s announcement received positive responses from local friends and family who commented that they would never want him to win any election since he supports free healthcare and access to abortion. Local voters are optimistic that now Miller will go on to kiss a boy for the first time and maybe paint his finger nails once instead of pushing for anti-gay policies and hiring male escorts in expensive Washington hotels into old age.


“Why are we talking about the sexuality of any US Senator?” asked one anonymous comment on the TikTok video. “Senator Graham seems like an incredible guy who is very happy and loves his constituents.”

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