Gay Man Disguises Obsession With Gym Employee As New Year’s Resolution

CHICAGO, IL— This year, local gay man Marcus Lowrey had to drive over 40 minutes for his new gym membership at SoreLife Fitness muttering some variation of the phrase “exercise regularly”. Nevertheless, he persisted, signing up to get fit via Head of Customer Acquisition, Ty Hulker – a hazardous perfect storm of dorky, muscular, & approachable.


According to sources embedded at the gym (judgmental looky-loos who also monitor you & your workouts), Lowrey seemed maybe too attentive over the course of Hulker’s overly-engaging, quasi-mandatory gym tour. While Hulker’s true intent cannot be confirmed, an anonymous gym employee told reporters, “Oh, he knows exactly what he’s doing.”


Verified leaks confirmed Hulker was so engaging that Lowery’s gaydar reading for the problematically attractive employee went from “straight” to “probably straight.” As LGBT scientists have discovered, there are approximately 800k miles between those two readings. Reports maintain Lowery is still traveling that treacherous journey on a treadmill set to 1.6. 


Lowrey’s family grew concerned when his gym trips became more frequent than realistically made sense, confirming he made the 40 minute commute daily with gas prices at an all time high. While gay-baiting is often debated on an ethical level, this example should prompt LGBT scientists to instead investigate gay-baiting’s carbon footprint & it’s overall impact on the environment. For now, this anecdotal reporting spearheads the issue.


The Lowrey controversy came to a head at a recent brunch gathering when friends of the gym-devotee inquired about his resolution-turned-actual-gym-habit. “I just love working out. I don’t mind that it’s 40 minutes away. Wonderful facility,” Lowry claimed with a strained smile.


At press time, Lowery is still a regular at SoreLife, but has branched out from the treadmill thanks to Hulker’s helpful tips. Gym sources are split on whether any true chemistry or muscle mass is developing. 

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