8 New Year’s Resolutions That Aren’t Internalized Homophobia In Disguise

You already know the statistic—80 percent of New Years resolutions fail by February—and 100 percent of gay people’s New Years resolutions are low-key internalized homophobia!

Here are some small steps you can take to be less atrocious to yourself in 2020—because right now you and your internalized homophobia are such good pals that you are basically starring in a reboot of Friends.

1. You’re never going to “Learn To Like Shopping”
Come on, Sarah! Let’s focus on that 401k.
2. Let’s try something other than “Get Ripped”
Alex, honey… Joel Kim Booster has already done that for all of us. Plus you hate the gym. Let’s finish that book you started in 2017.
3. “Spend Less Money?” Try again!
C’mon, Raquel. Dual male households make over 30% more than you thanks to the wage gap. Buy that 3rd toolkit. You deserve it!
4. Trying to “Get Into Glossier” isn’t self-care
Oh Kate. New Year’s Resolutions are supposed to make you  feel good, not like a sad raccoon with tits. You hate makeup. Let’s eat 1 vegetable a day.
5. “Get Really Into Boats, But Like, The Masculine Ones”

Mark… what is this New Year’s Resolution…? How about “Get really into therapy,” yah?


6. “Be More Like Your Dad” is so 2010

Christian! He deadnames you constantly! Don’t be more like your Dad. Be you! (but the kind of you that purchases a vacuum in 2020).


7. “Prioritize Sleep So You Can Look Hotter And Get Laid” So close!

CJ… how about we prioritize sleep so we can feel energized enough to finally hang those bathroom curtains… and save the neighbors from having to watch your pre-shower cha cha cha every morning… at first it was cute but now it’s like watching the same episode of Smash on a loop (always entertaining but slowly losing its pizzazz).


8. Say Yas Queen Less”

OK Mikey, this one’s actually good.


There. You’re fixed! You have phenomenal new resolutions for 2020 and you and your internalized homophobia are no longer Ross and Rachel or whatever. By the end of 2020 you and your internalized homophobia will be like the characters at the end of Marriage Story… completely divorced—spoiler, sorry! It’s actually not a movie about marriage at all! Quite the opposite! Ah, what a year. Goodbye 2019!

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