It’s just not fair! You’re walking through Murray Hill when all of a sudden, BAM, some Finance Bro walks out of Starbucks with a fatty. Or maybe you’re picnicking in Prospect Park when all of a sudden, a frisbee lands near you. The man that picks up the frisbee is obnoxious…but the ass that walks away…
Either Chad is thicc because he shops at Rhone or he played soccer in high school. Did you choose Drama Club instead? Maybe you did Mock Trial? Or perhaps, instead of playing soccer, you wound up getting a PhD in Art History? Well, here are some workouts to get that flat ass up to speed:
1. Walking Lunges
Just think, you could have been doing this for the past seven years instead of familiarizing yourself with the songs of Stephen Sondheim.
Sure, you can argue which recording of FOLLIES is the objective best (the 1971), but Jared has two mounds and is the center of any party. Probably because he made varsity by the time he was a freshman. And played center.
2. Barbell Squats
Bonus points if, while you’re taking a break, the guy in the next squat rack over asks you to film him doing a set. Bonus BONUS points if this guy, let’s call him Keith, if Keith and you strike up a conversation over what supplements you’re taking, the latest Calum Von Moger video, and how much Keith’s parents still love him and all his girlfriends.
3. Romanian Deadlift
You should have pretty good form for this workout, this is basically how every Sean Cody video starts. Actually, straight men (you know, think Matt in Sales) do this workout all the time, even when not exercising. It’s the same movement you do when you’re leaning forward while playing “Call of Duty” or not listening to women.
4. Clam Shells
Gay men actually do this exercise because it’s the same muscle group used for sneaking Molly into the Dua Lipa concert. And yet it benefits straight men so much more?
Probably because their Whey Protein has 25% more patriarchy. Don’t be disheartened: for motivation, think of Craig Mieselas. and he’s in Carhartt! CARHARTT! And his ass is CHOMPING that inseam. WHAT.
5. Glute Bridge March
It is entirely unfair that Straight Men (Jared, Keith, Matt from Sales, Craig, and your Dad) do not have to do this kind of workout. This workout is entirely embarrassing.
This workout is messaging Kevin on Grindr after ghosting him on Scruff. This is planning your sister’s wedding (yah, it’s a microaggression that she assumed you knew what dress she should wear, but at the same time, she’s family and you wouldn’t let her walk the aisle in Carolina Herrera).
These are our top five workouts. Now to see results, you will need to 100×3 for every one of them, twice a day, and allow ninety minutes of stretching before and after each workout.
These may not be the same hoops Boone Herring had to jump through, but at least he got blue balls at Lacrosse practice because his mormon mom caught him masturbating. Let the healing begin.