Area homosexual Ryan Schultz risked contracting COVID-19 to refill his prescription of PrEP at his local pharmacy on the off chance he’d ever be penetrated by a human penis again.
“I haven’t fucked anything besides my rolling pin, but this shelter-in-place thing could end any minute. I want to make sure I am ready,” Schultz said, demonstrating extreme optimism toward U.S. public health systems. “I messaged this top in my neighborhood if he’d want to fill my hole when this is all over, and he replied with a shrug emoji. So I definitely want to make sure I’m prepared for that.”
Schultz remains steadfast on having random unprotected sex despite it requiring several orders of magnitude more testing available and vastly improved hospital capacity. A representative for the Center for Disease Control said, “While it is impossible to say anything with 100% medical certainly, it is highly unlikely that Ryan would be able to safely resume pre-COVID-19 levels of random unprotected intercourse within the monthly refill cycle.”
Concluding his descent into delusional optimism, Ryan reasoned, “If I keep refilling my Truvada and supporting its manufacturer Gilead, they’ll surely use that money to make sure everyone has affordable access to the COVID-19 vaccine they’ve been working on!”
