WASHINGTON, D.C.— Amid the limited supply of monkeypox vaccine doses, CDC officials are taking desperate measures to ration vaccines and ensure protection for the most at-risk group – sluts. But what makes a slut? Are you a slut? Are you sure? An overwhelming amount of individuals self-identifying as sluts has led the organization to issue more concrete guidelines: “5 loads minimum at the time of vaccination.”
Considering the recent outbreak of imposter syndrome, the CDC would like you to prove it. The nation’s leading science-based, data-driven, service organization is declaring “no more monkey business,” so a note from your doctor merely claiming you’re a slut will no longer suffice. If that sounds like too tall an order, there is still hope. The CDC will also accept those with only 3 loads, paired with receipts proving money, drugs, or fisting was exchanged in relation to each load. Or if you went to Burning Man.
The increasingly horny health agency has stated they won’t necessarily check everyone, but will issue spot checks, even for tops. To ensure a smooth vaccination, the CDC recommends bringing video evidence proving you “inseminated or were inseminated by 5 different people” within 24 hours of your appointment. A manual inspection will be performed at the discretion of the vaccinating professional. However, if you do not receive a manual inspection, the CDC is asking sluts to refrain from demanding one, even if they were really looking forward to it.
The CDC understands that not all sluts are able to meet a 5 load quota every single day, so vaccination centers will be installing pop-up darkroom mazes & glory holes. This will enable those with only 3 or 4 loads to arrive early & lightly network in order to prove themselves worthy of the government-mandated cumdump status.
At a gangbang for credentialed press & media outlets, a spokesperson for the CDC stated: “We’re pleased to offer this wonderful opportunity for sluts to engage with their local community. Tops are especially encouraged to frequent our pop-up bathhouses on any day as they, like the vaccine, are in short supply.”
