The 5 Best Objects I’ve Dated During Quarantine

Finding love is hard when you’re a single modern gay man. People are always saying you’ll never find love until you can look inside and see it for yourself. Well I say you’ll never find love until you can look inside and see it in your room. Here’s all the objects I’ve dated in lock down.


1. Clorox Wipes

I was cleaning one day and all of a sudden swore I heard “use me” come out of the Clorox tube. I was a little nervous, but I went for it and asked he out.

It was when we were intimate did we realize it just wasn’t going to work. It was quite painful—that flap thingy hurt my peepee! Afterward, I realized that I didn’t want to fetishize being with someone on the front lines during a pandemic and he ultimately said I wasn’t his type but that I was funny.


2. A Boomerang From Australia

Boomy. Swoon.

I met a guy on Didgeridoo-Me (Australian Grindr) and he bought me an actual boomerang. Boomy and I were having such a good time. I LOVE his accent. Being with Boomy has been so carefree and fun in these scary times. The best part is that he always comes back. Reliability is hot!

But, the other day, we were hanging out on my fire escape and I gave him a loving throw, I haven’t seen him since, but I’m hopeful.


3. My Theragun™ Percussive Therapy Massager

I’m sensitive. I’ve been in the scene long enough to the point I’m exhausted. I just want to find the one and kinda get on with my life, ya know? 

However, that doesn’t mean my verse little ass doesn’t want to just have someone dominate me and tell me to just shut up and enjoy it every now and then.

Still sad about Boomy, though. Might hookup with Ther again tonight with a double attachment.


4. The Full Body Magnet of Agnetha Fältskog in a Jumpsuit I got at the ABBA Museum in Stockholm

We’re not dating, but she is like, my BFF right now. She’s been really helpful in consoling me about Boomy. She thinks it’s over—time to face my Waterloo and pluck up the courage to ask out that “Big Sur in Rain” candle I had bought from that Wicca store/Kinfolk in LA.


5. The Big Sur in Rain Candle I had Bought From that Wicca Store/Kinfolk in LA

I think this is the one. It’s been a breath of fresh air. I can’t tell if it’s low-fi Cali personality that just helps me relax or that I’m literally just inhaling his salty waxy fumes because I ran out of weed last week.

We have the big conversations too. We talk about life after the quarantine is lifted and what it’ll be like when he’s just a wick. I told him that we can’t think like that—we just have to live in the present and enjoy each day.


I worry a lot about life after the lock down is lifted. Will people accept my new lover? Will I be labeled one of those annoying Instagay couples that posts too much? I honestly don’t care, but it’s on my mind, ya know? I never thought I’d find love, but I did! Thank you COVID-19.

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