MIAMI, FL— As re-openings sweep the nation, everyone is reconnecting with loved ones they haven’t seen in months. Jake Gorban, 24 twink, surprised his friends and family when he emerged from multiple lock downs as a fire breathing Charizard, the final form of Charmander. While he was always a flaming power bottom, Jake has gained actual fire breath and a tail that is literally a flame.
Friends were surprised to hear of Jake’s evolution. When they didn’t hear from Jake for months last spring, many thought he had moved back home to Indiana during shelter in place. In actuality, he had just moved into an abandoned Taco Bell/KFC which was also a Pokémon gym. Despite having the physique of a fire breathing dragon, Jake remains smooth and frail emotionally like a twink.
Jake’s trainer, Gary, was a gay CEO who lost his company during the 2001 dot com boom. Gary has been impressed by Jake’s work ethic at training since most twinks are afraid to lift heavy things for fear of developing any muscle definition. To achieve his transformation, Jake’s training regime was a rigid daily routine of morning, noon, and evening Poke battles with hits of poppers in between each round.
Jake himself was surprised by his own evolution, and is still trying to control his new powers. Between spontaneous bursts of Fire Blasts, he reflected on how he always saw himself as a Flareon. “But I guess it’s true what they say that twinks get a surge of testosterone in their mid-20’s and turn into aggressive Pokémon with spiky claws.”
Jake assured friends and family that even though he is now a Flying-secondary type Pokémon, he is still a bottom. The newest Charizard at the abandoned KFC/Taco Bell has a message to all the other gay men looking for a change: “It doesn’t matter if you’re Grass-type Stoner Twink, or a Water-type Fetish Twink, you should never limit yourself by what type of Pokémon you can evolve into.”
