WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a landmark change, the Food and Drug Administration announced that it is lifting restrictions on blood donation from gay and bisexual men if they can escape from a Saw-like torture trap. The policy change was timed with the release of Spiral, the soft reboot of the Saw franchise.
The new regulations state that gay and bisexual men can donate blood if they give up their life savings, abstain from touching another person for 3 months, and then allow themselves to be chained to a dirty radiator in an abandoned warehouse and dig through a bin of hypodermic needles to find the key to unlock and remove the exploding butt plug inside them before time runs out.
The FDA hailed its decision as a watershed moment in this nation’s acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community by allowing homosexuals to prove their moral worth through physical torment. Gay men who are eager to assimilate are cheering this decision as the redemption they’ve been waiting for their whole lives. Despite not being loved by their families, or Jesus, the new policy gives these men a generous pathway to be vindicated in the eyes of the FDA.
Script editor Brain Ashcraft, 34, is one of the first such men to volunteer for this program. Brian, who hasn’t spoken to his family since coming out, was eager to sign up. While he is still excommunicated from the Church of Latter Day Saints, Brian is grateful for the chance to prove his value to society by enduring abstinence from sex with men and literal torture.
When asked about what the torture trap meant to him, the symbolism of the Saw trap was not lost on Brian. To him, the needles clearly represent a healthcare system that continues to neglect gay men and the exploding butt plug teaches gay men to fear their own sexuality.
But more than anything, for Brian, the Saw-like trap is a chance to redeem himself to an institution, any institution. If he can’t self-flagellate enough for the Church of Latter Day Saints, he could at least get the FDA to see him as a valid person.
The origins for this policy came from studies that found heterosexuals perceive gay men as either victims or sexual deviants and that straight people are less likely to object to blood from victims. Respondents of that study further said that as gay men have become accepted in society, it would take being impaled by a butt plug to adequately victimize them again.
Using that as a starting point, and taking inspiration from the Saw franchise, the FDA decided it was best to build an elaborate trap to fully traumatize the gay men that will endure this policy change. FDA officials reiterated they were proud to have found a way to make straight people comfortable through queer trauma.
Despite all the excitement, there are still risks in the implementation of this policy. On whether he’s worried about bleeding to death from an exploded butt plug Brian said, “If I die, I just hope the FDA doesn’t think I’m a total fag.”
