I was innocently perusing Twitter for Gay of Thrones memes when I saw the poll: half of Twitter (and therefore half of the planet) doesn’t wash their legs in the shower! I try to be open to all types, but this news made me want to take a potato peeler straight to my gams. I thought something must be done, and I can’t spread the gospel in my group chats now that I’ve been muted. The good news is that washing your entire body can easily be added to your self care routine!
1. Taking a Bath
Quick, when’s the last time you went swimming? 9 months ago at the pines? Thought so, ho. So taking a bath would therefore be submerging your nether regions in layers of funk that have barely gotten a drop wash. Please don’t do that to your bits and pieces.
2. Going For a Long Walk In The Park
This might seem like a safe space to air out your filthy fucking appendages, but this actually just presents more opportunities for dirt, grass, and bugs to set up shop on your legs. Don’t make us all stare at your crusty legs. Be safe; wear capris.
3. Burning A Scented Candle
Candles have been proven in studies to induce relaxation and bring a sense of calm. Soothing scents like lavender and eucalyptus can give you that zen feeling while you watch the wax drip and feel your brain melt at the thought of people thinking that they don’t need to wash their legs.
4. Treating Yourself To A Spa Day
Enjoy it asshole, cause I’m never going back after finding out what people AREN’T doing in the spa showers. And don’t even get me STARTED on massages—I bet the masseuse has to peel off dead skin from your legs like a python.
5. Meditating
Your legs have free real estate in my brain. My meditation chant has changed from Om to ifyourmotherhadleftyourlegsunwashedasababyyouwouldhavediedofdysentery.
6. Coming Out To Your Extended Family
Being your true self is true freedom. There’s nothing like expressing your identity to loved ones and living your life fully out in the open. If anything can top that, it’s using my light bleach solution to exfoliate your legs and kick grime to the curb.
7. Reading A Book Alone At A Bar
Can you just imagine going over to some hot person’s house and they’re making you dinner and you’re thinking, “I can’t wait to snap up this hot piece,” and then you watch them washing up and instead of washing the whole hand they just get their palms wet and only let the soap run down their fingers? Would you ever have sex again???
8. Deleting Facebook and Twitter From Your Phone
God knows I had to log off before I find out you people don’t wash your feet.
And there you have it! Self care tips with the added benefit of saving my sanity. Please leave comments with all the body parts you don’t wash so I can add you to my watch list!
