Whether you’re newly out of the closet or just now shaving your beard and covering your Nazi tattoos to evade the FBI, finding a label that represents you can be tough.
That’s why we’ve devised this quiz to help you figure out if you’re a top, a bottom, or a racist, armed insurrectionist contesting our democratic election!
1. Your dream date would be:
- Skipping straight to drinks at their place
- Dressing up and going to a museum
- Chartering a private jet from Tulsa to Washington D.C. to trespass on government property in custom-made matching Confederate flag t-shirts
2. What’s your favorite way to get some exercise?
- Pumping iron and having sex
- Yoga and kegel exercises
- Scaling barricades and hurling fire extinguishers in the U.S. Capitol with your old buddies from UPenn
3. You’re trying to set the mood for your new romantic partner. You start by:
- Laying out all your sex toys to let them know what could be in store
- Putting on your cutest underwear and laying yourself out like a snack
- Using a paid sick day to take a break from being a cop so you can cosplay as a Confederate soldier with Oakley’s in Washington D.C.
4. What are you most likely to shout out during sex?
- “Oh yeah, take it!”
- “Yes, daddy!”
- “Daddy Trump invited me and we’ve got an army of millions behind us!”
5. When it’s time to get down to doin’ it, you:
- Prefer to penetrate your partner
- Prefer to be penetrated by your partner
- Prefer to penetrate the Senate Chamber and have the snake from the ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flag coil real tight around your penis as you kick back with your assault rifle.
Mostly As: You’re a top, through and through.
Mostly Bs: You’re definitely a bottom.
Mostly Cs: You’re a white supremacist storming the Capitol! And we got you! This is the FBI, and you’re under arrest. While we’re at it, all you gays are under arrest too. McCarthyism rules.