Don’t Pity Fuck Your Black Friend, Donate To Them

After a meeting held by every Black person you know, we have come to the conclusion that your Facebook posts and kicky hashtags are not enough for you to hit us up wondering what we are up to in ten minutes. We get it – you see us being unfairly treated in a world built against us and for some reason you believe your head game will blow all our troubles away.

We came to a consensus that it is too little work and we require a long and passionate stroke of equitable effort. While nothing but continued work and active allyship will even begin to absolve the white community of, well, everything, we agreed that the best way to help is to reach into your pants and pull out your big, bulging wallet.

While we acknowledge the “efforts” that have been made by not getting a Starbucks and donating that five dollars to a white-lead organization that helps the melanated, we stipulate that those dollars go to the companies that need it the most: Actual Black People, LLC.

This is just the first step on many, and while this one small tiptoe to reparations won’t fix systemic trauma, we collectively agreed that when presented with the options of being oppressed or oppressed with forty extra dollars, we will take the latter. 

We demand the following receipts from the orgs listed below:  

1. Jason from your gym: Venmo – @shinywhenwet

2. Sean from your laundromat: @talldarkandbrilliant

3. That guy who is named “Sure Thing On Tuesdays” in your phone: Cash App – $slutforwater

4. The guy who wrote this article: Venmo (@dwbelin) and Cash App ($dwbelin) 

We together stand firm, tight, and ready to take anything coming. And by anything, we do, of course mean money. 

If you need any guidance in how to do any of the following, Google it.

We look forward to hearing from you in 72 hours.


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