With colleges making the change to an online environment this fall, many incoming closeted freshmen are concerned about this roadblock on their path to sexual discovery. This shift to virtual learning will be a huge blow for freshmen who, lacking in-person instruction, will be forced to wait another year until they find out if they actually enjoy kissing.
An anonymous suburban man and lifetime member of the closeted male support group called Compulsory Heterosexual Unloving Marriages (CHUMs for short), recently went public with his tragic experience during the Coronavirus pandemic—being forced to spend all of his time with his adoring wife and children.
Bar patrons fondly remembered Pam’s final lewk, which featured red stilettos and a sequined N95 mask. The crowd could be heard yelling, “you’re giving me lifeeeeee!” Unfortunately, contact tracing later confirmed they gave the performer a deadly case of the novel coronavirus.
Local lonely lesbian Sienna Richardson trimmed her nails again this Thursday, just in case.
It’s a Thursday evening and Tory Paige, a 25-year-old Associate Project Manager, is sitting eagerly on the Sayville Ferry to Fire Island Pines, the debaucherous gay resort an hour east of New York City. The bacchanalia in The Pines has everything, strong drinks, sun kissed areolas, and this summer’s hot new pandemic: COVID-19.