Every year, all the heteros REALLY want for Christmas is for Mariah to sing that one fucking song. Mimi, welcome back into the arms of those who truly love understand you, the elusive chanteuse, the skinniest legend.
Granddaughter Robin Claghorn admits that every year she puts off this goal in hopes that “grandma will kick it before I have to tell her I’m queer. But every year she gets stronger and I get gayer.”
80 percent of New Years resolutions fail by February. But did you know that 100 percent of gay people’s New Years resolutions are internalized homophobia?
“I love working out now. I don’t mind that it’s 40 minutes away. Wonderful facility,” he said with a strained smiled to concerned friends.