Straight Brother Hotter

CONSHOHOCKEN, PA— In a season of tragedy comes another disaster: Robert Wilson’s brother Lyle, a heterosexual, is hotter than his gay brother. Robert, a single, mid-twenties programmer who really wants to find someone he can be dedicated to began posting videos from his parents’ home during quarantine. The saccharine content included family breakfasts, “costume competitions”, and the perpetually shirtless Lyle, who flexes literally every time he notices the camera on him.


One video featured Robert berating Lyle to get out of the bathroom after finding him posing in the mirror. Instead of leaving, Lyle bullied Robert into a pull up competition that left them both slick and shining.


“Haha okay that’s my brother guys :/” commented Robert when asked by the public for more details about what is objectively brotherly dorkery and not a video anyone saved and replayed multiple times a day.


Robert, who secretly visits museums alone but longs for company, noticed the pattern after he posted a video of Lyle chugging orange juice from the fridge, letting it drip down his chest, and then burping. Though captioned with “Save me from the straights #disgusting,” the post was flooded with heart-eye emojis, twinks saying “daddy YES”, and Robert’s friends DMing him to ask if Lyle is gay.


Indeed, details on Lyle have been sparse. After backlogging location tags from Lyle’s sparse social media presence, with most of his posts being videos of him dead lifting, it is inferred that Lyle never moved out of his parent’s house. Instead he appears to have saved money to buy a home and plans to do so within the year, while Robert is still negotiating his security deposit back from the lease he broke to move back. But the worst part?


“He’s married,” Robert is seen saying in a Twitch stream, which was screencaptured and saved for journalistic reasons and not because at 00:12:54 Lyle walks on camera, moons the audience and farts. Indeed, Lyle has some kind of wife. 


Robert has attempted to recreate Lyle moments on solo outings with “parody” videos in which he appears in a tank top and a backwards hat. However the videos lack a sort of authenticity; outings such as “Talking about golf with my dad” fail to liven up the no-stakes emotional vulnerability of could-be-won’t-be hetero-/homosexual relationships. Also Lyle looks like he doesn’t smell.


This story will be updated as the situation develops. As of now, the only official comment from Robert is, “So this story is about my straight brother? My disgusting, unavailable straight brother? You know we’re identical twins, right?”

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