PORTLAND, OR— The Portland Police department held a press conference announcing the end of investigations into a recent minor apartment fire at 345 Fuller Street. The Police Chief Mark Williams revealed that the cause of the fire was a slippery lube bottle shared by long term partners Amir K. and Orlando S. Despite evidence to the contrary, Police Chief Williams remains skeptical that the fire wasn’t part of a larger gay plot to incite civil unrest.
Leaked forensics from the investigation reveal overwhelming evidence that supports the couple’s story who claim the cause of the fire was a slippery lube bottle. Blacklight splatters on the walls and sheets of the bedroom are consistent with spillage from an accidental lube bottle squeeze. Photos taken at the scene also indicate the bottle may have been airborne after being squeezed too hard. However, the Police Chief jumped on lab analysis that there was other biological material in addition to lubricant in the blacklight splatters, claming “we just can’t know for certain unless we keep investigating.”
During the second half of the press conference, Police Chief Williams dropped the bombshell that his department had circumvented investigators and obtained audio logs of the apartment’s Amazon Alexa. Highlighting what he thought were the most relevant logs, the Police Chief read aloud to the press, “yeah baby take that [redacted]”, and continued, “oh yes, i want you to whip out your [redacted] and shoot your [redacted]”.
Afterwards, Chief Williams speculated “what are these homosexuals shooting, and where are they shooting it? We must find out in order to keep our communities safe.” The couple in question reiterated their original claim that the cause of the fire was due to their shared lube bottle shooting out of Amir’s hand and knocking over a scented candle. Photos of the scene indeed show the fire originated over a “Bussy” scented candle.
As part of his statement Orlando said, “Yea that’s pretty embarrassing, but I wasn’t conspiring to do anything besides getting Amir to let me do it doggy style.” Backing up his partner Amir stated, “It was just a small apartment fire I don’t get why they still want to investigate.”
While scientifically conclusive that it was just a slippery lube bottle, the Police Department vowed to continue to get into all the crevices of the case necessary to understand gay sex. Amir and Orlando said moving forward they’ll probably continue to have anal sex and maybe get a new bottle of lube.
