BETHESDA, MD—It was a serious case of deja vu for one overworked modern woman, who found herself yet again tasked with preparing both pumpkin pie and a cohesive Trump defense this Thanksgiving. Between whisking, baking, and gas-lighting the nation, how does a modern woman find the time?
It seemed almost yesterday she was caught between the world of lies and the world of pies – yet here she was again. Had it really been a whole year? Would she really have to make a whole pie? Could she simply not make the pie and convince everyone she did?
She unraveled in her kitchen, alone but for the voices on Fox News & the pie ingredients surrounding her. Both seemed to taunt her, and increasingly she could depend on neither.
“Antifa stole the pie.” she proclaimed to the empty room, just to hear how it sounded out loud. It’s her process. She felt Hannity might believe it, but her family would not. It needed work.
Yes, architecting an elaborate pie lie is more work than actually baking the thing – she realizes that. But she’s just a better liar than a baker, okay? She doesn’t need you, of all people, questioning her decisions.
“Antifa stole the pie. But why?” she muttered as she paced frantically around the pie ingredients. The pie was fake? It’s alternative pie? No, no, she was losing the thread.
Deep down, she knew she was just procrastinating a much bigger set of lies on her todo list. She took a deep breath, shifted her focus, and narrowed her eyes into an impenetrable sardonic glare.
Pretending she had a jacket with shoulder pads on, she pointed at the uncut pumpkin before her and declared, “He won the election. He’s a good man. Antifa threw the ballots into a swamp.”
It’s her process. She just wanted to hear how it sounded out loud. It needed work.
