It’s happening again. Your mom is constructing the world’s longest, most confusing sentence to talk about you without using a ‘they’ pronoun.
You’ve traveled home for the holidays, and Lisa, a lovely 60-year-old from next door, spots you and your mother on a walk. She asks how you have been and your mother launches into a proud update on your various accomplishments.
“Sam’s living in New York,” your mother says, “and… and…” Uh oh. She’s about to hit a pronoun. What will she do? Will she gender you correctly?
Not quite! Instead of simply saying ‘they’, she uses your name six times and begins the world’s most complicated verbal gymnastics routine, backflipping, zigging, and zagging around your pronouns with alarming speed.
“Sam’s living in New York and Sam likes it and Sam’s roommate is Sam’s best friend from high school and Sam is working on Sam’s writing career,” your mother says.
Lisa nods along like everything is normal and this isn’t the most bizarre use of proper nouns she’s ever heard. This nodding encourages your mom to LEVEL UP. She begins VAULTING over your name completely, doubling down on avant-garde syntax and eliminating your subjectivity altogether.
“I have been enjoying hearing about the New York writing scene and all that happens there and it seems like people are very cut-throat but creative,” your mother explains. “I am looking forward to hearing more about it in the future as… it becomes more a part of our lives… and… and…”
Uh oh. There’s a wobble. Mom’s losing steam. Maybe she’s not the Simone Biles of phraseology after all. Will mom slip up and accidentally use a pronoun? The crowd (you and Lisa) holds its breath.
No. She can’t fall. This “theyless” conversation means EVERYTHING to her! There’s gotta be somewhere to go other than straight down “They Way”. Right?
Mom tries to pull it together and re-center herself. She takes a deep breath, engages her core, and with an exhale SHOCKS the masses by LEAPING over another pronoun and barreling down “My Child Lane!” She tells Lisa that “[her] child’s work has laid [her] child off so [her] child is currently temping and [her] child is enjoying the freedom but is a bit worried about the future.”
You (her child) can’t help but smile. She executed that last element beautifully. Tens across the board!
Before dismounting, your mom decides to try her hand at a bonus element. She tip-toes into “Partner” land – a very high degree of difficulty space– and begins to reference your significant other in broad terms. She explains to Lisa that, “they are an accountant and they are very good at their job”. It looks like your mom does have the ability to use ‘they’ pronouns! Just not when referring to you. Awesome!
Your mom finishes the routine with an exhausted “so yeah, that’s what’s happening.” Lisa says, “good to know” and the United States Olympic Committee appears out of nowhere, blasts the national anthem, and invites your mother up onto the podium to receive her gold medal for “absolutely absurd acrobatic answer to a simple question.”
