WASHINGTON, D.C.— Sometimes building back better means building back never, and that’s exactly what the Biden Administration decided to do with the country’s improv theaters. Given a once in a generation opportunity to rethink the role of “zip zap zop” in society, the new Administration has taken radical, decisive action on a new path forward.
Citing endemic sexism, racism, and homophobia, the recovery package will pursue a form of harm reduction by providing money to keep improv theaters closed permanently. While queer improvisers lamented the loss of communal space, they noted that never having to see two cis-men simulate scissoring for “scenework” was worth it.
The plan also provides generous funding to offer jobs and mental health programs for the nation’s improvisers. This was a key provision because a majority of improvisers are White Men, a population susceptible to becoming domestic terrorists if given too much unstructured time. A spokesperson for the Biden Administration said they are confident that the plan will pay for itself by having some of the nation’s brightest minds back in the workforce instead of trying to perfect an “organic opening”.
Perhaps the most popular part of this plan is that most Americans will not feel its impact since they stopped responding to their friends’ improv Facebook events years ago.
