As the U.S. continues to bungle its COVID-19 crisis, Satan, the Lord of Darkness, announced a moratorium on American souls entering Hell. “Out of an abundance of caution,” Beelzebub told reporters, “we simply cannot welcome people into eternal damnation who aren’t taking this thing seriously.”
There have been weeks of grumblings throughout the Seven Rings from residents—all wearing masks—who are concerned that Americans would make Hell a dangerous place to live. “This isn’t a political issue here,” said Sheila Thomas, a woman sent to Hell for kissing a girl once in college. “Hitler and Chruchill both wear masks in the sulfur pits. It’s just common sense.”
As U.S. residents see their travel options continue to narrow, citizens from countries who heeded science can still cross over into the fiery netherworld without fear of being turned away. “I’m so thankful my government was smart,” said a relieved New Zealander Gwen Mackney. “My dickhead dad just died, and I’d hate to think of him not suffering in a lake of lava for all eternity. Thank God for our Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern!”
