Don’t want to go to an over-priced vacation spot during a pandemic, but still want to re-create and embody the white supremacist practices and institutional biases from the comfort of your own home. You deserve this, self care hunny!
You’re in luck! Here are 5 ways to be your own little Fire Island:
1. Hang a couple of tree air fresheners around your neck—boom. You’re in the Pines. Now sniff in that sweet, sweet scent of privilege and confidence that other gay men are going to invest millions of dollars to build you up and ensure you have a fruitful, luxurious future.
2. Put on a skimpy swimsuit and take photos in your bedroom instead. It won’t feel the same as posting a thirst trap from the beach, but if you write a caption about “being proud to be yourself,” people will barely notice you’re not even on the ocean. For bonus points, acknowledge QBIPOC as a hashtag so no one can call you out or make you think about your actions.
3. Stand in your kitchen and loosen up your butt hole with some poppers—but don’t let the head rush make you loosen your grip on that precious bottle of VCR cleaner or think about loosening up your friend group! Don’t feel embarrassed that your friends are all Caucasian, ripped, and named Tyeler—you donated $2.00 to The Okra Project.
4. Invite just two friends to come and hang naked. Then when they each bring two other friends and a hookup along, don’t rock the boat. When they each text an additional crush and invite them over, just let it happen. Maybe they’ll bring some edibles and champagne! Soon your apartment will be full of way too many people who are relieved to take off their masks after a long week of protesting.
5. Make a boat out of pillows to recreate the packed Sayville Ferry experience. Invite everyone inside, sit extremely close to one another, and spread Coronavirus back and forth like there’s no tomorrow! Post them to your IG grid, then go “oopsie!” before deleting them and re-uploading those sexy shots to a close friends story instead. You don’t want the COVID Destroyers to come over and cancel a good time.
You did it! These five steps should make you feel like you’re partying it up with your gays and absolutely ignoring the lesbians asking you for directions on their way to Cherry Grove. Ah, summer. Even in a pandemic, it’s the best.
