These Five Pride Floats Will Make You Scream ‘Shareholder Dividends!’

One of the most exciting events of Pride is the parade to celebrate the many corporate entities that support the queer community during June. Here’s a sneak preview of five companies’ floats and attractions they’ll be showing off this year:

1. Lockheed Martin Stock Price Float

This year, Lockheed Martin’s float will feature a rainbow colored papier-mâché recreation of the company’s stock line shooting out of an operational missile launcher/confetti cannon. Be sure to stand back from the blast zone though, because these cannons will be indiscriminately launching ticker tape into the crowd faster than the first brick that was thrown at Stonewall.

2. Facebook’s “Werk!” Party Float

Facebook’s float is a new take on an old classic. This year’s it will be designed to look exactly like an office with wifi, product designers and a tiny break room cake with “Happi Prid” scrawled hastily in rainbow icing on it. Tell these coders to “go off, queen” as they put in weekend overtime to please Daddy Zuck.

3. Chik-Fil-A’s Gay Apologists

Chik-Fil-A has changed its ways, again, and don’t you dare fact check them on that! The fast food chain will be throwing their famous chicken sandwiches into the crowd this year. Don’t miss these conservatively dressed “gay” men screaming “We’re sorry, we swear we don’t hate your money” from the top of a float that suspiciously looks like a cross?

4. TikTok’s Straight-Up Dance Floor

TikTok will be sponsoring a float featuring some of its top influencers! Watch Charlie D’Amelio, Addison Rae and Noah Beck perform the trendiest dances from the best LGBTQ+ choreographers of color. And don’t worry, the jumbo screen behind the popular creators will show off the handles of those choreographers so they still get a chance to take part in the special day.

5. JPMorgan “Non-Business” Trip to Mykonos for (1) Finance Gay

In lieu of a traditional float, JPMorgan isn’t even attending the parade! It will instead be sending one of its finance gays to Mykonos to spread the business of pride to international markets. Check out the investor information statements required under U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission regulations governing mergers and acquisitions to see how the trip ended!

These and many more amazing floats celebrating the strides made for investors’ stock portfolios will be kicking off the parade led by this year’s Grand Marshal, Jeff Bezos in drag as Jeff Bezos.

Highlight, Out & Proud