“In order to stay competitive in the chicken sandwich market, we knew we had to make a change,” said Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy, “and that’s why we’re proud to do the bare minimum for all you perfectly tolerable queers out there. Please buy our food.”
“He belongs to us now,” said Christian T., a self-appointed spokesperson for the LGBTQBY+ community. “Our little prince.”
After a 12-minute debate she admitted, “Okay yes. Fine! I am wearing what can only be described as the equivalent of a death drop for lesbians!”
“Sorry, but all that gay shit doesn’t really do it for me,” stated Doug Mckenna under the Grindr username “f?ckmedaddy” at 3:27 AM this past Sunday.
DeGeneres and the freshly dug up remains of Justice Scalia were spotted this past National Coming Out Day laughing it up and decomposing, respectively. “On this day in particular, it feels liberating to finally show the world who I really am!” The former comedian defended her proximity to the bigoted, rotting corpse. “We should be kind to everyone, even the corpses of those who sought to codify queer oppression!”