Quarantined Man Misses Good Old Days Of Hating His Body In Gay Sweat Pit

New York, NY—Citing that “enough was enough,” local homosexual Matt Steiner told his roommate that he “absolutely needed quarantine to end” so he could get back to starving himself for the approval of potential sexual partners.

“This quar has just been so bad for my mental health,” bemoaned Steiner. “Remember when we could go outside? Hang out at bars? Absolutely despise ourselves for how much we sweat when we dance? I think we all want to get back to that place ASAP!”

Many stir-crazy young adults have echoed Strom’s sentiments, arguing that the cost of social distancing is just too high if it means you can’t tear yourself apart mentally wondering why you don’t have more matches on Tinder.

“That’s why I moved to NYC,” said Willie Bergstrom, “the rent may be outrageous, but you’re paying to be in an overcrowded trash hole full of damaged gay men who fled their un-accepting hometowns.”

Outrage seemed to peak recently when it was announced that New York City’s Pride celebrations would be cancelled. Thousands took to Twitter to express their anger that they wouldn’t be able to pay $70 to cry in the bathroom of a rave when the ketamine hits them weird.

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