ST. LOUIS, MO— Long-time lesbians, Layla and Sheryl both had big plans for their anniversary brunch last Sunday. After finishing off their vegan chilaquiles, Layla Singh stepped away from the table and got down on one knee. A truly serendipitous moment! Or so it would seem…
However, before she could even reveal the silver band etched with glowing symbols, her girlfriend, Sheryl Simons jumped out of her seat and pulled an identical ring out from under her flannel. The other brunchers ooh-ed, aww-ed, and fell into a hypnotic trance as the two women proposed to each other at the same time.
Andrew Park, Layla and Sheryl’s very gay brunch waiter, witnessed the same event happen with a different couple only two hours before. “All four of them were wearing the same butch-ass pair of Doc Martens,” said Park. “They must have gotten them from that outlet sale that the meteor crashed into.”
Since the Doc Marten meteor disaster two weeks ago, there have been 38 simultaneous lesbian proposals and also 3 non-simultaneous ones too. Tyrone Brown, a famous TikTok potter, experienced his lesbians friends spontaneously propose to each other last Sunday as well.
“They completely stole the thunder at my Pictionary party,” Brown shared. “I didn’t even know they were dating! And when I asked when they planned it, their eyes went inky black and they completely ignored my question. Rude!”
Layla and Sheryl exhibited evasive behavior similar to Tyrone Brown’s friends. When asked how long each of them had been planning to propose, they simply laughed in monotone unison and then stopped speaking like two robots with undercuts being powered down.
This massive uptick in sapphic to-be-weds has had a noticeable impact on the local economy. For instance, it is nearly impossible to find a store that doesn’t have tuxedo dungarees on backorder and DIY queer zine production has all but halted. Stranger still, all the women proposed with the same etched, glowing ring but no jewelry store in a 50 mile radius has any record of selling anything like it.
Layla and Sheryl, along with the other fiances, have already selected their venue and wedding date. All of the lesbian weddings will be happening simultaneously in the center of a crop circle outside the city in exactly a month’s time. A spaceship-shaped altar large enough to hold all the couples and their guests is currently being built in the field. The lesbians are building it, of course, and they are doing an amazing job.
“One thing doesn’t add up to me,” wondered Andrew Park. “If there have been so many lesbian proposals, then why haven’t I been invited to a single lesbian wedding?”
