Election Recount Drags On As Gays Attempt to Count Votes By Hand

ATLANTA, GA— After a record breaking election, a record breaking recount. And in a replay of the election, the recount is dragging its feet as well. Last time, a cocktail of mail-in ballots and legal interference were to blame, but this time: gays trying to do math by hand.


The all-homosexual recount committee was a surprising political win for the Trump administration, who (allegedly) employed it as a tactic of voter suppression. Citing a “lack of representation” among ballot counters in court, Trump’s team sought to sow chaos in the electoral process by leaning on gay people and their general inability to process quantitative information (count) by hand.


The Republican strategy has worked better than expected. A gay Philadelphia ballot worker lost a day’s work after inexplicably arranging ballots in piles of 4 “because then you get to 20 piles and that’s 100.”


The Michigan effort was set back after all ballot counters showed up an hour late to work. The count in Fulton County had to be restarted when one poll worker misunderstood their work: “I thought I put my card down, everyone can just Venmo me?”


Trump is still projected to lose the election despite this stalling, although his administration has already purported this as evidence of his support of the LGBTQ+ community. Pressed on this, a spokesman admitted that he thought the “T stands for tomato?”

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