Age-old gay question alert! Do you want to be him or be with him?!
Take this quiz to find out if you’re romantically and sexually into that special someone, if you actually just want to BE them, or if you’re doomed to spend the rest of your life in a hellish cloudy gray-area in between the two options.
1) A man walks by you on the sidewalk. Do you:
A. stare at his legs because you want your thighs to look like those thighs
B. stare at his legs because you want to do sex things to them
C. both
D. stay up all night tossing and turning because you don’t know the answer
2) Your barista smiles at you and you feel all warm and weird. Do you:
A. want to have a smile like his smile so you ask for his dentist’s information
B. want to kiss the lips in front of the smile
C. both, you can kiss at your shared dentist
D. spend the rest of the day wandering the city thinking about his smile and how we can’t ever really know who we are, what we want, or what we need in this satanic blip we call “life”.
3) Your doctor shakes your hand. Do you:
A. shake it back and do hand-exercises so yours can get as strong as his
B. ask if you can keep holding hands outside of a professional setting
C. both
D. leave the office and consider enrolling in medical school so you can study the human brain to better understand why human truth is so hard to parse and discern
4) Your best friend gives you a hug. Do you:
A. completely overhaul your life and do everything the way they do
B. ask to hug some more and then kiss and then fuck
C. both
D. drive home, eyes glazed over, thinking, “What is friendship, if not a complex tangle of wanting? Wanting to be with the person, wanting to be the person, wanting to be there for the person… never leave them… wear their clothes… do what they do… forever and ever until they die and you die…”
You Got Mostly A’s-
Envy Baby! You want to be him. And guess what? You can! It’s easy! Just get his dentist’s information, go to the same barber shop, work out at the same gym, break into his apartment and steal his clothes, and while you’re at it? Steal his identity too! You’ll be the guy you want to be in no time.
You Got Mostly B’s –
Hot hot hot! Looks like you’ve got a sexy little crush. Go ahead, walk up to the guy who has your eye and ask him out. If he says no, don’t worry, you can find another guy, spiral about whether you want to be him or date him, and take this quiz again!
You Got Mostly C’s –
Hell yeah! You’re a multiplicity and plurality king! You want it all and you can HAVE it all! The great part of fucking the person you also want to be is you don’t need to buy a mirror. You get to wake up every morning and look yourself (or your aspirational self) in the eyes and then make out. In other words, go fuck yourself!
You Got Mostly D’s –
Oof! Put on your lifevest and pick up a paddle bitch, cuz it looks like you have the blessing of being forever lost at sea. Prepare to spend the rest of your days riding waves of existential dread and confusion. You’re gonna flip the age-old gay question in your head over and over again until you spin out.
