Awf Magazine

Local lonely lesbian Sienna Richardson trimmed her nails again this Thursday, just in case.

“Okay, fine, so I wasn’t actually going to meet up with anyone. I was just going to Trader Joe’s for more hummus,” Richardson stated. “I did linger by the vegan eggs for longer than necessary, but nothing came of it.”

A study published by Science conducted by researchers at the University of Boston found that Richardson is one of thousands in a growing trend of lesbians trimming their nails and then loitering in the vegan aisle of their local grocery store.

“It’s quite an alarming trend,” said head researcher Steve Piletti. “Many lesbians are finding that they literally don’t have nails left to trim. And worst of all, they aren’t even getting any.”

When reached for further comment, Richardson said she had changed tactics, and is now leaving her Tevas sitting outside of her apartment.