How to Dodge a Gay Rights Debate at Thanksgiving By Releasing a Live Bat From Your Mouth

Reuniting with one’s family for Thanksgiving doesn’t always go smoothly, especially for LGBTQ+ folks. When the hot cider starts flowing, so do the hot takes. Open and honest dialogue can be critical in changing the opinions of close family, but we won’t fault you if you’re just not in the mood for Uncle Terry’s bullshit this year. That’s why we’re going batty for this simple trick to dodge a gay rights debate (or any uncomfortable topic) at the Thanksgiving table!


First, try to sit strategically, avoiding combative family members & ensuring you have a safe spot in your lap for a live bat to remain undetected.


Next, be sure to actively listen when an unpleasant opinion is being expressed. This enables you to understand their perspective as you select the perfect time to sneak the bat into your mouth.


Even if things get heated, never say “calm down” as it’s counterintuitive and may allow the bat to escape the confines of your mouth before it’s cue.


Your extended silence may be called out or you may be asked to weigh in. This is the ideal time to calmly relax your jaw and release the bat into the room as you maintain a stoic expression. 


This action will render your family shocked, confused, and fearful. While it’s not the most positive blend of emotions, even the most divided tables will finally agree on something – you’re iconic, terrifying, and 100% that bitch. The debate over who you sleep with will simply melt away in the wake of a surprise guest who sleeps upside down.


In these trying times, we must emphasize safety first as you bask in the realization that it’s far better to be feared than loved. Please prepare for your bat moments safely. Confirm your bats have been tested and are free from contagious diseases, even if your family members can’t say the same about themselves. 

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