KNOXVILLE, TN— Divas are known for their show stopping live performances, but nothing Britney, Whitney, or Lada Gagitney have done onstage compares to what Ms. Dolly Parton unleashed on an unsuspecting crowd in Tennessee this past weekend. Parton, a homosexual icon, is known for her iconic blonde beehive, but after a lifetime of bleaching, Dolly has spent recent years donning platinum wigs so high you’d think she was starring in a Bump-its infomercial. Fans were stunned when, during a return-to-the-stage New Years performance at Dollywood to promote vaccine boosters, Parton removed her wig to reveal another, smaller Dolly Parton.
“What’s the matter? Are we smaller in person than you thought?” Big Dolly asked, handing a tiny rhinestoned guitar to little Dolly before launching into an adorable duet of 9 to 5. “That’s not all,” said Little Dolly, who lifted her wig to reveal an even teenier, tinier Dolly Parton. “It’s a Russian nesting Dolly situation,” Little Dolly said in a falsetto to match her tiny stature. “It’s Dollies all the way down.”
Scientists are currently conducting experiments to determine how small the smallest Dolly is, and exactly how the increasingly smaller dollies came to be. “This has huge implications for the scientific community,” said theoretical physicist and Jolene truther Dr. Cameron Dolce. “Right now I’m toying with the theory that this Dolly is actually standing on a much larger Dolly, too big for us to even perceive, with bigger Dollies still!” Dr. Dolce holds a PhD in Astrophysics from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and a certificate in Wig Studies from Paul Mitchell Cosmetology School.
While the scientific community struggles to answer whether or not Dolly Parton’s wig has uncovered the secrets of the universe, back at Dollywood, Ms. Parton wowed fans by performing a flawless multi-harmony performance of “I Will Always Love You” with her mini-she’s. Not to be outdone, the original Dolly took the high part.
“The fans always said they wanted more of me,” said Dolly, matching her smaller counterparts in a gorgeous white fringe jacket. “And I finally figured out a way to give the gays what they wanted. I always put on a great show.”
Always prepared for new divas, queer fans have already taken to Twitter in droves, with multiple accounts posting Little Dolly updates, including rumors that the third biggest Dolly is dating actor Keanu Reeves. A la the Arianators and Swifties, these die hard Nesting Dolly fans have given themselves the moniker of The Dollhouse, and are currently campaigning for a Grammy nomination as we speak.
