BRINKTON, MA—Graduating senior Pearl Winslow is looking forward to her Ezra Mountain High School Zoom commencement, but says it won’t be the same without the chance to burn some bridges on the way out.
“Graduating from high school is the end of one chapter, and the beginning of another,” said Winslow. “But I was really looking forward to getting drunk on gin from a Desani bottle at the lock-in and starting a blowup fight with my best friend, Fiona. It’s just not graduation without inflicting needless emotional harm on yourself and others.”
Winslow’s classmates agreed. “First I miss Senior Prank Day and now this?” asked fellow graduate Jared Woodward while feeding two pigs that he raised in vain. “How else will I jeopardize my future without flipping off the entire school as I cross the stage?”
“Sure, I’ll get my diploma in the mail,” said valedictorian Christina Ramos. “But I was really looking forward to calling out all the mean bitches I hate in my class speech about perseverance.”
The online event is still scheduled to include all 500 graduating seniors on Zoom, as well as their families that they are stuck inside with for the foreseeable future. The possibility of a virtual first year of college has students and parents alike disappointed that they won’t be having any screaming matches as they pack up the car and do everything in their power to avoid a heartfelt goodbye.
As another blow to graduation shenanigans, the suburban community’s toilet paper shortage has prevented the decades-long tradition of vandalizing Principal Davis Turchen’s house.
