Speaking Out: The New Amateur Pornstar You Should Subscribe To Is Me, Your Fourth Grade Best Friend

It has been a while since we last talked, Dylan Hubberman. I think the last time you messaged me was to confirm that Daisy Gumby was, in fact, trying to sell everyone from our elementary school a multi-level marketing scheme. What a funny moment that was.


Look, let me cut to the chase – I know you have a big heavy boner for me. I’m not shaming you for that, in fact, I find it heartwarming that you crave after my penis the way you used to crave that rectangle pizza we ate every Friday in the cafeteria.


It is because of your raging hard on that I’m sliding into your DMs today. I ask you, if our bond in Mrs. Little’s class meant the same to you as it did for me, would you go to OnlyFans.com, and for the reasonable price of $7.99/month, subscribe to me? The same boy who wore matching friendship bracelets with you at the pizza party we earned for learning our multiplication tables?


I assure you, this is nothing like Nose-Picker Daisy’s silly scheme that has rekindled us together. I promise you there is plenty of bang for your buck! And if you enjoyed that magic trick I did for the End-Of-Year Talent Show, you’ll be even more dazed by the new tricks I’ve picked up over the years.


I see you also follow many environmentally minded thirst traps, and in the spirit of thinking globally and acting locally, why don’t you buy some recycled paper tissues so you can jack it to your former carpool buddy? Put all that sexual energy into action and support small business; and my business is small and tight and on the verge of being wrecked in my almost daily updates.


Dylly Bear, I know that your mom keeps pressuring you to do something with your life; because my mom still talks to your mom. Let me be part of your narrative, and with me, you can claim to be an initial investor in a small one to four man operation. We can trade your reviews on my content for me being a job reference for you; we can brag about how flexible the other is. There may even be room for a partnership in the future.


Dyl Dyl, I come to you so I can cum for you. Be the change you wish to see in the world; and ditch the PornHub bookmarks in your Safari browser for small batched and artisanal slap bank material.


I hope to hear from you soon and I look forward to running into each other at Mrs. Little’s retirement party. Go Bulldogs!

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