It’s true there are a lot of fish in the sea, but have you ever seen the sea? It’s huge. And I already know some of the fish right here in my neighborhood are real catches. So let’s throw caution to the Gulf Stream and net some local D with these six platonic friends to swipe right on just in case.
1. WENDELL
Wendell is my favorite bartender. One of those handsome yet approachable guys, always greeting me with a smile and a wink. “Whiskey ginger?” he offers, and I feel so seen. It could just be that he’s good at his job? But if that’s the case, why are other bartenders not nicer to me? Hold my beer. SWIPE.
2. OSCAR
Oscar is so funny! Every time I see him it’s “hey whore!” or “you look like shit” or “YOU again?!” What a flirt. Once I joked that we’d make a cute couple and Oscar just said, “Puke,” and walked away. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Beneath that wit I see a man who’s scared to be vulnerable and there’s something sweet about that. Or maybe he just reminds me of my dad. Either way. SWIPE.
3. ROD
Rod stiffed me on his share of the brunch check last Sunday. He asked if I had a Venmo while everyone was putting on their jackets and then left without getting my username. Maybe this is his cute little way of asking me out, “accidentally” owing me the price of a meal. Clever girl! SWIPE. When we get serious, I’ll just take over both our finances for his own good.
4. DAVE
“6’3 if that matters.” Oh, it matters, Dave. When I met you at the protest this summer, I knew you were tall, but I didn’t know you were my absolute perfect height for a potential husband. SWIPE. Maybe now I can finally use the storage space on top of my cabinets.
5. THADDEUS
Thaddeus? I thought he was straight when we took that improv 101 class together. Oh! Says here he’s attracted to a person’s brains. Well. I’ve never had any complaints. Yes, and… SWIPE.
6. KAITO
Oh, come on. Kaito and I would just be absurd. It would be too hilarious. I’ve never heard of any thing so ridiculous. I can’t stop laughing. Oh my gosh it would be too funny if we both swiped right. I would just die!I bet he’d die too. And then next time we’d see each other we’d go, “hey Mr. Match!” at the same time and then go “Jinx! You owe me a beer!” and then like probably fall in love. This is too uproarious to pass up. Imagine? So silly. SWIPE. Can you imagine? I’m imagining.
That was so liberating! can see now why my straight friends just swipe right on every profile. Not that I would EVER act out of desperation like that, ha ha. Okay stop looking at my phone now please.
