CHICAGO, IL—Things got freaky last Friday evening as area couple Adam Evans and Andrew Eden allegedly switched bodies after a fight while dining out with friends. Concerns of magical malfeasance apparently took a backseat to the couple’s outrage when no one in their friend group detected the supposed change.
“Adam and Andrew always fight over the most minuscule things,” stated Charles Thompson, a friend present at Imperial Lamian, the Chinese eatery where the racially problematic Asian mysticism-inspired body swap reportedly occurred. “This time it was because one of them—don’t ask me which one—watched the newest episode of The Other Two instead of waiting to watch together.”
The dispute escalated to a verbal throw down, Evans or Eden bursting from the room, and then the other one following in a huff.
“Some old-as-fuck maitre d overheard us quarreling in the hallway by the bathrooms and offered us two fortune cookies on the house,” said either Evans or Eden. After opening the confections and reading what they allege was an incantation, the whole room shook.
“Next thing I knew, I was inside Adam and Adam was inside me—no, not like that. I mean our souls literally switched,” claimed the one that’s apparently Eden based on context clues. “But the true horror story didn’t begin until it was clear our so-called friends didn’t even notice!” explained the one who must be Evans by process of elimination.
The friend group remained confused on the supernatural element of the lovers’ spat. “Do they mean they switched clothes?” said friend of eight years Jessie Hwang.” They’re the exact same size and body type so maybe that’s what they mean?”
The friends also collectively confirm that Evans and Eden dress similarly for their respective jobs at competing Chicago ad agencies.
“I mean, maybe they sat down in different seats when they returned to the table,” said Thompson. “They’re both doing ‘No-Meat March’ together and ordered the same dish, so it’s genuinely hard to be sure.”
“I was too distracted with other Adam-Andrew nonsense to recall,” admitted Hwang. “They kept asking if we also felt the violent tremors after they left the room. We figured that was their euphemism for public bathroom makeup sex, which happens almost every month when they have these tiffs.”
At this time it is unknown if the pair plan to reverse the truly cringe-y Orientalism enchantment trope placed on them. When asked, Evan or Edens or Eden or Evans gave the passive aggressive response: “I don’t know. Would our closest friends even notice if we switched back?” Their friends declined to comment.
[Headline by Chase Montavon]