BROOKLYN, NY— Local New York City waitress and lesbian, Lindsay Cohen, shocked her friends and family upon revealing that she plans to tune into the upcoming seventeenth season of the popular medical drama Grey’s Anatomy this November.
“There have been a few lesbian characters over the years, and who knows, maybe they’ll come back,” said Cohen. Upon further questioning, Ms. Cohen admitted, “I’ve already watched sixteen seasons, all with at least 25 hour-long episodes… so wouldn’t it be dumb to just, like, stop?”
“My plan is working,” said Creator and Executive Producer, Shonda Rhimes, in a recent Vanity Fair interview. “I knew if I threw in Callie, Erica, and Arizona early on, the gays would continue to give me those sweet sweet ratings for years to come. These wonderful fools will stick around for a wisp of a shadow of a lesbian. Sometimes I don’t even fully flesh out the story lines. I got ‘em in 2006 and haven’t lost ‘em since.”
Cohen seems to have fallen under Rhimes’ spell, as she claims she doesn’t care about any part of the show except the possibility of queer female representation. During an official interrogation, Cohen was unable to recall a single thing that happened in season 16 except that flashback episode where everyone found out Teddy had a girlfriend 20 years ago.
The long-time Grey’s fan, who is not involved with the show’s production or writing in any way, has surprisingly well developed ideas about where the ex-characters might be now. Investigators uncovered charts and mood boards that imagine a fictional world where Callie and Arizona reunited in New York after Arizona kicked Penny’s ass; Erika u-hauled with whoever she stumbled upon next; Lauren went to L.A. and got a hot femme wife; Leah went off the deep end; and Eliza Minnick went to a lot of therapy and learned how to love herself first.
Lindsay’s mother, Myriam, was excited to comment. “Those episodes are so dang long, I haven’t watched since McSteamy was on,” she said wistfully, “maybe he’ll come back one day…” Like mother like daughter, it seemed, because Lindsay spilled, “every single episode, I pray that Arizona will make an appearance, even though I know Jessica Capshaw’s contract is up.”
Ms. Cohen, who recently purchased a Snuggie, a wine delivery service subscription, and a new Roku specifically for watching the show, confesses that she has missed real life opportunities because of the time she has spent watching Grey’s. She even turned down three different date proposals this year because they overlapped with her television viewing.
“I probably could’ve had a lot of sex that is not ABC-approved,” she says, “but I was too busy waiting for a tentative closed mouth kiss between two straight actresses on this show,” she said. As for the upcoming season premiere, Cohen says, “I was disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to have a watch party because of Covid, but then I remembered all of my friends stopped watching Grey’s 15 years ago.”