Rice Queen Loses Erection After He Realizes #Asians Trending Due To Anti-Asian Violence

ALEXANDRIA, VA— Jared Jones opened Twitter at approximately 2:30PM this afternoon and was excited to see #Asians was trending. Unfortunately, due to his pavlovian response to the mention of anything Asian, Jared was already engorged before he saw that the trending topic was due to Anti-Asian violence.


This was not the first time Jones was over eager to support the AAPI community. Friends of Jared reported that he was a little too sympathetic to Andrew Cunanan while watching American Crime Story and had to backpedal after he learned about all the murders. 


Despite a dating and sexual history featuring exclusively AAPI men, Jones maintains that he is not a fetishizer. Jared asserts that he just happens to find partners who are also very passionate about urbanism, Studio Ghibli, and 80’s Japanese Synth Pop, but he can’t help it if they just all also happen to have “naturally hairless porcelain skin”. 


While he still has more room for growth, Jared is an ally. After his erection receded, he was able to place his laptop on his lap and re-post an infographic about the rise in Anti-Asian violence with a caption “This has to stop. Racism affects us all.”

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