Yesterday I walked past a mirror and screamed, thinking my future self had come to deliver a message. Sadly, it was just my reflection, though I looked so much older than I remembered. Like a heart broken debutante, life frozen in the moment when everything was taken away from me, I’m wasting away.
Perhaps like me, you started the pandemic with goals: write a novel, learn a new language, or at least work out everyday. And now more than a year later, you’ve achieved none of these goals. If you are disappointed in yourself for wasting time, you shouldn’t be. You are not wasting time. Instead, what you are going through is wasting time’s fabulous gay cousin: languishing.
Wasting time is for basics. Languishing is hot, like a Victorian poet between orgies, suddenly sober and questioning the meaning of life. Or an aging heiress, waiting for suitors in a crumbling estate. Recently, some psychologists wrote that we are all languishing during the pandemic. Well, if you’re going to languish, why not languish fabulously with these tips.
Spend One Day With All The Curtains Shut
Lighting is everything, on the stage and in life. Why let the sunshine in when you can shut it out, along with all the horrible things out there? Remember your ex? They’re out there. So is your toxic job. And your even more toxic family. Shut them all out, you don’t need anyone but yourself. Blackout curtains are an investment so if you don’t have any, order them now. Velvet is best for this mood, but brocade will do in a pinch.
Put On Formal Wear And Just Wallow
Nothing is more dramatic and more queer than costumes. Put on those formal clothes collecting dust in your closet. Look at your sad, sad self in the mirror, barely fitting into that Chanel your grandmother wore to Reagan’s first inauguration, those leather shoes made from the last white rhino. There was a time when you were the beautiful, glowing belle of every ball. Then one day the invitations stopped coming. How did the time just slip away? Cry into a real silk handkerchief or don’t cry at all.
Talk To Yourself, Try Different Voices And Accents
Speaking of parties, remember when you had delightful conversations with charming strangers? Throw yourself a little party where the guests are all you and your skillful accents. Have a drink or two, then have a drink or two for each of your imaginary friends. This is the perfect opportunity to use up all that top shelf liquor you’ve neglected since you made the switch from quality to quantity. Perhaps a couple flirts with you and invites you to their monthly orgy filled with artists and luminaries. Maybe they’re Argentinian, if you can do the accent (even if you can’t, who’s listening?) This one goes well with formal wear too.
Put On A Full Face Of Make Up Then Slowly Wipe It Off In The Mirror
This routine is as cinematic as it gets. Try different kinds of makeup. Will full drag make up feel different from clown makeup? Either way, don’t be afraid of colors. As you wipe, take in all the colors mixing with your darkest mascara and tears. Your face will look like the Jackson Pollock your grandmother’s third husband gave her, and for the first time you will understand the pain behind that masterpiece. Don’t forget to put your favorite avant garde jazz record on the Victrola. And remember to take it real slow.
Burn Lots Of Candles And Burn Down Your House
There is something very queer and very fabulous about burning down the estate.
Light a few hundred pillar candles in antique candelabras. Put them on every surface of your home until it looks like a Celine Dion music video. Spin round and round because you have nothing else left. And if you knock over some candles, ignore it. As you watch your house burn down from across the lawn, remember that this was always meant to happen. You are finally free of Grandmother.
Whatever tip you take, remember that even though everyone has suffered during the pandemic, you have suffered the most. Because no one understands your specific pain. As my emotionally abusive college acting professors would say, use it. You’re not going to get the most out of languishing unless you make it all about you. This is the ultimate me-time, and you deserve it.