5 Queer Female Musical Artists Gays Would Love If They Just Got a High Ponytail

In today’s fast-paced, staying-in-the-know-from-Buzzfeed-News-push-notifications world, choosing who to stan can feel like taking on another part-time job—amidst the several other part-time jobs you already have. Luckily, it’s come to our cis white gay attention that all true queer music icons share one thing: A High Ponytail.

 

Here’s a list of uber talented queer female musicians who could absolutely reach icon status if they simply took the time to lift up their hair instead of their communities.

 

Tegan and Sara

Tegan and Sara own two copies of some of the best bone structure we’ve ever seen, but even with that facial advantage, Tegan and Sara simply must multiply scrunchies and put both their hairs up in high ponies. We believe if they set their Grammy-nominated minds to it, Tegan and Sara could be a gay sensation any day now.

 

Melissa Etheridge

Melissa Etheridge has paved the road as an icon, mother and activist through hard work and perseverance. But how are we supposed to know that when she only ever wears her hair down like a vampire in an Anne Rice movie? Pro-tip: If you want the admiration of a tiny—and sometimes wildly unlikable—population of gay men, stop focusing so much on writing hit songs and ~maRriAge EqUaliTy~ and throw those blonde locks up into a cascading golden shower.

 

Tracy Chapman

Winner of four Grammy’s, you probably know Tracy Chapman from club remixes of “Fast Car.” It’s reportedly also a solid song pre-remix, so that could be a fun thing to explore in your own time. An iconic performer, we’ve seen Chapman pull her hair back in a low ponytail. TRACY! You’re a mere forty-five degree angle from, like, getting it.

 

Mary Lambert

Unlike Queer Hero and “Bravest Brave Man of 2012” Macklemore, Lambert is actually queer, so she’s so close. With her superhuman voice, Lambert might be poised as one of the only people capable of withstanding gay men’s unbearable admiration. All she needs to do is pull her hair so far back and up, up, UP that she gets a blinding migraine.

 

Brandi Carlile

This recent Grammy award winner and outspoken advocate for LGBTQ+ rights chooses to buck our fickle love with wavy ripples that inspire me to switch conditioners, but NOT to create a fan account on Twitter. Carlile, we beg of you, put a children’s birthday party hat atop your head, arrange your hair around it in a fanciful cone and then strut the stage like the adult Cindy Lou Who we all demand you to be.

 

So there you have it: five queer lady artists who could finally truly start giving to the LGBTQ community if they just tried a little harder. Perhaps with a little elbow grease and a lot of Jojo Siwa hair tutorials, these groundbreaking women will finally receive the damn-near-toxic amount of attention they never asked for!

Column 3, Culture & Travel, List, Opinion, Out & Proud, Thriving