NEW HAVEN, CT — Glass of wine in one hand and the power of Google in the other, area woman Rachel Caruso furiously typed “Cate Blanchett gay” into the search bar for the 267th time, expecting to see the goddess standing alongside an irrelevant man. But this time, something was different.
“Cate Blanchett On Her Sexuality” read BuzzFeed. “Cate Blanchett Open To Dating Women” read E! News. And then: “Cate Blanchett Comes Out As Bisexual Due To Popular Demand Of One Woman, Really” in The New York Times.
“I am absolutely shocked,” Caruso said. “It worked. After four years, it worked. I mean, we all saw her pantsuits in Ocean’s 8. And the way her character and Debbie Ocean ate those pancakes? Wow. I just never thought that my wanting her to be gay…would make her gay.”
Caruso’s slight obsession with Blanchett started in 2015, when the hit film Carol put the actress on the queer community’s map. But tragically, Blanchett was still straight then. Caruso knew what she had to do.
“That’s when it all began,” Caruso whispered in a daze. “I started googling ‘Cate Blanchett Gay’ and I just couldn’t stop. Who knew the power that had?”
Apparently, googling as a queer person has a lot of power. Someone at Google’s headquarters had noticed that a 23-year-old woman in New York City was staying up late, looking up “Cate Blanchett Gay” over and over again.
“We noticed this unusual pattern very clearly,” Sam French, researcher at Google said. “People really wanted Cate Blanchett to be queer, me included. Maybe not as much as IP address 56.383.65.189, though. Even we at Google still have no idea how she made this fantasy come true through the use of our service. Absolutely no clue.”
Basking in the glory of a dream come true, Caruso paused a moment to take out her phone, opening a new Safari tab, searching away.
With a swig of wine, she sighed, “Emma Watson is still straight. At least for now.”