5 Things To Do When Your Daddy Receives A PPP Loan

So you just found out that your daddy conned his way to a PPP loan. Who knew that his billion dollar startup qualified as a small business, eh? If you’re wondering what to do next, we reached out to some of the most successful sugar babies in New York and LA for advice and put all of their wisdoms in one place for young entrepreneurs looking to break into the sugar baby biz.

 

1. Don’t Catch Feelings

As a young sugar baby, navigating the learning curve at the beginning of your entrepreneurial journey can get a little messy. Maintaining a healthy work/life balance is crucial for long-term sustainability in the workplace, and make no mistake—any space that you co-inhabit with your daddy for any amount of time is a work space. Yes, even the beach house in P-town. No matter how nice it is, your daddy is still working away on his laptop making sure the money was wired to that tax haven. Remember: the only person who can fill the gaping dad-sized hole inside of you is you.

 

2. Get the Credit Card in Your Name

Don’t settle for “authorized user”—invest in your professional future by negotiating an allowance card in your name! This will help you to build credit, which will come in handy later (see “Establish an LLC” below). Settle for a card limit of  $10,000 and not a cent less, but don’t charge all $10,000 at once. Take time to learn your daddy’s financial limitations. You can milk your daddy for more and for longer if you pace yourself. And don’t feel too guilty about engaging in a little light exploitation—your daddy is doing the same thing to his daddy, Uncle Sam, but on a much larger scale and with taxpayers’ dollars.

 

3. Move into the Pied-à-terre

The unit sits empty for most of the year. If your sugar daddy is going to contribute to housing insecurity by hoarding units, it would be unethical not to use this opportunity to house yourself. Our sugar baby experts suggest changing the locks right away, that’s what daddy did when he bought it with his bonus during the last recession. If you choose to sublet your old place, don’t charge more than the amount you pay each month. Trying to make money off of a sublet is a morally bankrupt daddy move. Yuck!

 

4. Establish an LLC

Don’t hoard the wealth like your daddy! Use your allowance to set up an LLC, and create opportunities for other sugar babies. You could launch your own agency that matches sugar babies with eligible daddies, for instance. It’s a lot of work for a sugar baby acting as an independent contractor to keep track of all those active daddy details—especially if you’re juggling multiple daddies at the same time. Supply that demand!

 

And remember: if your new small business were to be granted its own Paycheck Protection Program loan from the government for the express purpose of paying staff throughout a global health crisis, don’t forget to actually pay your staff rather than pocketing the cash for yourself. Otherwise, you’re just another bad daddy.

 

5. Break the Cycle

Now that you’re bringing in that money, be vigilant to avoid the trap of transforming into the stereotype of a bad sugar daddy. So if you do find yourself pulling in more money than you know what to do with, it’s time to do some soul-searching while you still have a soul to search. 

 

Some signs that you are yourself, in fact, a bad, bad daddy: applying for loans meant for “small businesses” when your enterprise nets more than $150,000 a year; not actually paying staff upon receipt of your—again, louder please—PAYCHECK PROTECTION PROGRAM loan; moving capital into untraceable off-shore accounts; or failure to recognize other people as people. And that’s just to name a few examples.

 

And there you have it! With a little bit of elbow grease, a supportive collaborative network, and some justifiable exploitation of large scale exploiters, you too can eventually come out on top…or at least “vers.” Now get out there and claim back some of that disproportionately distributed wealth while you’re still supple and commodifiable!

 
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