Every year on Thanksgiving, thousands of young people come home from college for the first time and tell their families, “hey, I’m gay.” As a community, ruining Thanksgiving is one of our most noble and time-honored traditions. It’s not only a rite of passage but a duty, to take a boring, colonialist diner with family members you hate and turn it into a polarizing, fight with your budding lifestyle at the center.
If you are anything like me, you have been waiting all year to come out at the right time, just as the turkey hits the table. However, you might be thinking, “but how can I do it this year in the middle of a global pandemic?” Well don’t worry, you still can, with only a couple of small tweaks, you can turn a Zoom Thanksgiving into a fight about why “it’s not a choice, Uncle Stew” as quickly as you can in person.
Plan For It To Be Your First Time ‘Hosting’
Make sure that you control the Zoom link and make sure to invite your whole family. Part of the appeal of coming out on Thanksgiving is being able to tell the whole family at once. You need to make sure they all make it. Send a cute note like, “We have big news in the Johnson family and can’t wait to tell everyone.” Is your 20 yr old sister pregnant? No. Is it weird that your family would take that news better than you being gay? Yes.
Dress For Success
Ideally, your outfit should have a reveal. Take off your old navy vest to reveal a certified queer fit. Or wear something that doesn’t seem gay on a straight person, but will have your whole family go “oh how didn’t we know? They’re wearing a sweater vest!” Play with the background. There is no reason why you can’t green screen the Stonewall Inn behind you moments after you do it.
Make Sure Everyone Hears You Loud and Clear
If you can get a microphone, all the better. They are surprisingly cheap these days. This is your moment. No one can accuse you of being extra. If your family asks about it say you are starting a podcast. Straight people love talking about podcasts.
Reclaim Your Time
If the speaker view keeps changing as people talk over each other awkwardly, propose a toast. Don’t mute them. You don’t want to miss a minute of what Uncle Ron and his MAGA hat at the dinner table have to say. It’s moments like this that your chosen family can laugh at years later.
Now That You Have All The Attention You Need, Glitch Out
You have just planted the grenade and now want to hear what they have to say without having to be there. Pretend your internet is bad. Hide yourself from the meeting. Upload a frozen picture of yourself. Then you can sit back. Eat your corn on the cob and realize why you never trusted your cousin, Steve.
If you pull this off correctly, not only will your family know the real you, but you also have the perfect excuse never to go to another family event again and maybe that’s the real beauty of Thanksgiving all along.
